Oh hey there!

Yikes!  I have not been around to keep you updated on my life. There isn’t much to say because I’ve been so busy. But the semester is now over and all I have left are finals. Yep, Finals!

I honestly cannot believe how fast this program went, even though each month felt like it was moving at a glacial pace. I’m going to be at practicum for two weeks, so I’m not even sure if I’ll come back to writing some fun adventurous stuff for all of you. Maybe I can write about my experience!

I have a list of things I want to talk about with all of you, like how I was Vegan for 6 months or a how-to survive condensed programs….there’s a lot more. I guess I just want to cover all my bases of all I have done in the past 7 months. Darn, I still even have to finish my yoga posts….you probably think I’m a slacker. But I just got super busy to write them.

There are some things that have remained unchanged, but I’m okay with those staying like that for awhile. What hasn’t changed you ask? Oh just my love life. It’s quite non-existent, but that’s kind of on me.

Anyway, I hope to start writing again and catching up once I’m done finals! Just one more week!

 

xoxo

24

So this year, I have been on quite the journey. It has been a really intense journey and the year isn’t even up yet but I feel like I can share this with you now.
This year I have seen myself walk across the stage and earn my criminology degree, I have finally looked in the mirror and respected and valued what I saw. I also have seen failure and moments of doubt–I have had a growing experience.

I have faced quite a few personal obstacles such as financial problems, self-doubt and a bit of depression. You might think I’m being dramatic but I’m not. Of course, I know that I still have been better off than some people who clearly don’t have a roof over their heads, food on their tables and a permanent support system. I didn’t face that this year but I have in the past.

But because I haven’t faced any of it this year doesn’t mean it hasn’t crossed my mind. I was afraid this year, afraid of just being a complete failure, of not finding my way back to where I once was. I was completely shattered with all those rejection letters, I really thought I wouldn’t get out of the slump. Until someone told me, it was only temporary as long as I kept trying.

This year, I see it as a major adventure. Not only did I have really bad moments but I also had really good ones. I’ve seen my favourite bands in concert, I have gone to Mexico, I learned that all these skills that I have I can use–I don’t have to pick just one.

The most important thing I have learned is to love myself. I learned to love myself by looking at all the things I learned this year, by my failures and success, from what I lost to what I gained.

I may have not handled myself well in the past and sometimes I can still be bratty and irritable when I don’t get my way but it doesn’t last that long. I get over it. This year I learned patience. I learned that you CAN have it all, you just have to work hard and it will come. I learned that even when others are giving you their options, you don’t have to take it. It’s your life and you choose the way you want to live it.

I was reunited with an old dream. I’ve been accepted back into school, I will be studying to be an LAA (legal administrative assistant) and then hope to become a paralegal. Right now, I’m focusing on the LAA program. My problem in the past is I over planned and under accomplished. I spent so much time planning for the future that I didn’t focus on the present. I don’t want to do that again.

I’ve been reunited with my confidence–I had lost my passion for clothes, makeup, making singing videos and just smiling and having no shame in anything that I do.

These days I find myself smiling at myself when I look in the mirror, I like who I am. I’m proud of what I have endured in my 24 years. I see my potential, I see who I am and where I am going. I feel re-aligned and reassured that my future is what I want it to be because of what I’m currently doing.

I love who I surround myself with. I love seeing my family and friends grow as individuals. I don’t get all jealous when my friends are succeeding rather I am the happiest person. I love seeing them become successful, finding love, finding their dream job, travelling, growing, etc. I have friends who get me, who tell it like it is, who make me laugh, who make me continue my dreams. They let me be me.

I’m not giving up on my dreams, I’m not giving up the fight. I love myself enough to continue fighting for what I dreamed of as a little kid. I’ve got this because its love.

I don’t know what these next two months have left in store for me but I honestly accept the challenge. I accept it and I am ready to take it on. I’m ready for that job, ready for that “I survived” moment, I’m just ready.

Newton’s Third Law & My Life

We all have struggles, they’re all different. Some times we are dealt a crappy card deal. Some times you can have it all. The most important thing about dealing with success and with struggles is your behaviour and attitude. At some point, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, other times you really need an ego check.

Since June, I’ve had a major reality check. I went from being super confident, super ready to downright upset and curling up into a ball most days. I was a disaster. These few months I have been reflecting on the life that I want, I’ve had and the one I am currently living. I have looked at how I have acted and sometimes it’s just embarrassing. I have carried myself poorly on some occasions, while on other days there was hope.

These past few days, I have been writing (in my journal) about things I have learned and things that have changed. There are a lot of things that I still need to work on. For example, bravery. I’m not as brave as I thought I was when it comes to certain things. I’m not brave enough to face certain problems. I’ll keep these to myself though. I know now when to ask for help. I’m not too big on telling people when I’m upset or hurting but when I do, I have a great support group or that one person who just listens. I’ve been told I’m strong. I can be, I’ve had to be but sometimes you can’t always be strong, you’re allowed to show that you are human. THIS has been my problem. I have always wanted to show how strong I am, how smart, how motivated but behind all this was and sometimes there is a scared individual who is ashamed of her anxiety, afraid of failure, afraid of rejection (to some degree).

Emotions, I need to keep those in check. I need to let logic take control sometimes and not be driven too much by how I feel.

I learned that it’s okay to be lost and confused. Like I have mentioned before, I always had a plan. I had certain goals, certain things that I was going to. I was a major planner. I had planned my whole life out. Life doesn’t work that way.

Newton’s Third Law applies to this: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Basically, every action I was taking in my life, something else was changing. What I thought would make me happy was actually taking a toll on me, on my personal life, on my mental health. I was spending so much time planning out my future that my whole world just decided to take a moment and stop.  At first, I was so pissed off that everything I had worked for, those countless hours of studying, hours of volunteering, refraining from partying and drinking and going out for all of it, didn’t pan out. The past few days, I realized I have learned a lot more about myself the past few months than I ever did while I was in school. I was too focused on school to think about WHO I WAS. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to plan your life out, sometimes it works for others but when you solely focus on one thing and shut out all your other dreams and goals, you get a mass disaster within your mind. The pressure just builds up and it no longer makes you happy. I was too focused on the future, I didn’t think of the present, I focused on how happy I WAS going to be rather than HOW happy I AM NOW working on my future.

Yesterday, I came full circle. I made a decision to return to my original plan to work smart and get there. I already have had to endure the hardest part which was figuring out my life. To figure out who I am, what I like, what I want to do. Rather than planning these past few months, I just decided to let it run its course. And guess what, I went on vacation (I didn’t plan this, it just happened), I’ve lost weight (I plan my workouts but I let it be a part of me, not something I HAVE TO DO), I see my friends a bit more which usually never happened, I communicate with my parents, I’m feeling sure of myself. I am feeling better, I’m starting to see clearly. I did stuff this summer that reminded me of what I actually want. I was a security guard, it made me realize, I didn’t want to be a police officer or a jail guard. I know what I want now. I’m not saying that because I know now, things won’t change. Things always change. I just have to be reminding myself to control how I react. You can’t control other people and what they think of you, you can’t control not getting into grad school, etc.

Now, I still don’t have a job yet but things are starting to look up. I learned that you can only control how you deal with a situation. I have learned it’s not THAT YOU TRY but HOW. I am learning to stop making excuses for myself as to why and move on.

Life is Newton’s Third Law. But how you deal with it, is what matters most. Just keep moving forward even when life tries to pull you back.

Don’t Worry About Me

There has been a constant “Oh, dear we hope you find someone soon!” or the oh-so familiar “You don’t want to stay single for too long, you don’t want to miss the boat”…What boat?  I haven’t even arrived to the port. I’m not going to whine and complain that I’m sick of hearing that because I really just don’t care. Even though I am writing a post about it…The problem is people concern themselves with issues that they don’t need to. I’ve surrounded myself with like-minded people who either are in amazing relationships, married, engaged or are single like me who just don’t give a crap about what others have to say about their relationship status. Yes, you’ll hear me say wow, my friends are getting engaged and married or into relationships and I’m still here…but I say it proudly because one day or sooner, I will be one of those friends too or not.

I’ve gotten a few “but you know you don’t want to be too old to start a family” or “you’ve been single for two years? but how do you manage?”. It’s a simple yet quite fascinating answer. I just don’t care. Don’t get me wrong, If someone were to ask me out right now, I would consider it. Why? Well, because I am okay with being in a relationship or being single. I don’t need people to dictate when I should be ready or that I should hurry because it’s none of their business. I’m happy being single and I’ll be happy in a relationship. My relationship status does not dictate my level of happiness. I have more important things to worry about like finding a job that makes me happy, living a life that I can be proud of, being happy with my family, going out with friends, having fun. If I am able to share that with someone one day or if I don’t, I’m cool with that.

You’re telling me that I’m getting close to my thirties and it’ll be harder to have kids. Well, it’s my body, my concern. Don’t you worry about me. I know what I’m doing with my life. You just focus on yours. Seriously, I’m good. So if you’re going through this weird phase where everyone is asking and providing if’s, ands, or buts about your life, just say this magical words, Don’t worry about me. It may come off as rude to the person, it may come off as weird or arrogant or whatever but in the end, you’re the only one who can determine what you do with your life whether you date or you don’t, get into a serious relationship, whether you say yes to marriage or prefer to stay single, it’s your life.

My adventure

I decided that I wanted to write a piece of how I became to be the person I am at this very moment. I’ve been blessed with 24 years on this Earth. I have seen a fair share of happy things  and a lot of shit that makes me want to leave this planet.

Recently, I did something that made me feel extremely different. I had friends text me and message me congratulating me and feeling proud that I finally had done something for myself. It was an unexpected and quite random trip to Mexico for a week. They were so proud that I had gone away since they all know I had never really traveled quite far on my own away from my family. Well, I finally did. At first, I was worried because I had never gone anywhere because I was worried about not being here when my mom was sick or having something bad happen while I was away. I had never been on a plane before and on my first trip I got to go on two (four in total; two on our way and two on the way back), I hadn’t been to an airport (well, I had but to say goodbye to everyone else or to greet people), I had never filled out a customs card, received a stamp on my passport, I had never gone away for a week. I had a lot of firsts on this trip.

I learned a lot on our trip. I learned that this Earth is stunning from the view of a plane. There are no boundaries when seeing it from the clouds. I learned to appreciate every single river, every single ridge, every pool of blue. I wanted to cry on the plane but I felt like I would scare people. I was honestly in awe. I learned that I love to travel, I learned to be myself with no outside pressure. I learned that I’m actually quite shy and that I have to force myself to put myself out there but that once I get to know you I can be quite comfortable.

When we landed and we arrived to Mexico, I felt this major heatwave attack my body but in the best way possible. I was in a whole new world that I had only heard of through friends. I’m Hispanic, I know the language, I have been raised on the cultures and values but I had never experienced it before. For the first time, I was able to think for myself, no pressure, no stress, just me, my sister and a whole new world.

You might think that I’m being weird about it but when you’ve never left or gone anywhere, your eyes are opened and you feel things you never thought you could. I know I have a burning desire to travel more, all I want to do is see the world. I always knew I wanted to do that. So now I have this goal to just work and travel. They say love what you do and I think I have found my thing. I moved around a lot as a kid, so I guess being in one place for so long had been making me feel quite restless for many years. Now that I have gone away, it is all I want to do.

Of course, I want to settle down in one place, have a home, have a career but right now all I want to do is work and travel.

I loved this adventure and I hope to actually share some of it with you guys in later posts. I still have to organize my photos and still get over my travel high.

😀