Homeless

Definition of homeless

:having no home or permanent place of residence 

homelessness

noun

I remember.
days where we had a roof over our heads
but struggled between food on our table and hot showers in the winter.
I remember.
the months where we had a roof over our heads
but we shared a two bed motel room and meals provided
by our local food bank.
I remember.
having a roof over our heads
but showing up to school and being made fun of
for being on the lunch program.
I remember.
having a roof over our heads
but suddenly moving once again
because we could no longer afford it.
I remember.
This was my definition of homelessness.
I remember.
I was scared and shivering.
I remember.
Having to choose between toys and the important things.
I remember.
Crying and not understanding why.
I remember the stress, the struggle
the division of our family.
I remember thinking I was too young to feel this stressed.
Being worried about what would happen.
I remember.
As long as we are together we are home.
We have now found home.
but I think about those who haven’t.
Will they ever find home?
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Mirror

We never had the best relationship.

It started at such a young age.

It could have been those 7 years of bad luck,

from the time I let you fall and shatter into a million pieces.

It could have been revenge,

You took joy from seeing my insecurities, my tears and disgust.

You would show me all the things that were wrong.

You haven’t been fully in my life since I was 16.

There would be glimpses of you whever I went,

when I walk the streets, the stores, even in a puddle,

And you would show me again and again what was wrong.

I am older now and I have let you back in my life.

I decide what you show me. I let you see my vulnerablities.

I let you see my emotions.

I give you permission to see me.

I do the talking.

 

F*ck It!

Hi, it’s me again. 🙂

Have you ever just had enough of something? Anything? Everything?

Yesterday, I started to cry, I was in the middle of a push-up and my anxiety kicked in. I cannot even determine what the trigger could have been. It could have been my work load, it could have been student debt, it could have been the weather, I really cannot pinpoint it.

It happens. I have been trying different things to avoid causing it pop out of nowhere, but it’s anxiety, it usually just appears.

Today, I adopted a new attitude. It’s new. It’s the f*ck it attitude. I’ve decided to f*ck it all.

No, this does not mean that I will produce shitty work, that I will be a shitty person, but it just means that I will not let it affect my life.

I won’t take work home unless needed, if it can wait for tomorrow it will. I will not stress out about things I cannot control. If it did not get done today, it will get done tomorrow.

People being petty. I will not let that affect me. The way they are is a reflection of who they are, it’s not me.

This new attitude helped me get through today, I felt a lot more confident, I was even told I looked nice today. It’s crazy how a whole new attitude changes the way people see you.

Tomorrow is a brand new day and I’m ready to just say F*ck it again.

 

Hey!

As you know, I have not been active for quite some time. I have been having a bit of writer’s block. I have also been extremely busy adjusting to the ever-changing work environment I have been in.

There hasn’t been anything exciting happening in my life, so I guess there hasn’t been anything to share. But, it also got me thinking, why should I have to share things with you, when things are actually happening to me? Why can’t I just come here and talk to you about what isn’t happening in my life? Of course, there are some things that are coming up that I am excited for, but lately, I have been living a low-key life.

Just go to work, work-out, bake some cakes, volunteer and save up for a few upcoming trips.

Do you ever feel like that’s all you got? Work and sleep. Work and sleep? It’s repetitive. You constantly ask yourself if you’re happy, or if you will be happy at some point.

I probably sound depressing or sad. I have been quite sad. It’s the never-ending circle of work and paying bills.

I do have a few things to look forward to and I have made a few decisions to progress in my career, but I hope they make me happy in the long run.

Well, I hope I wasn’t too much of a debbie-downer.

Until next time.

All over the place

It’s so weird, the more I try to be more positive, the more negative vibes come my way. People are so complicated, I have decided to just forget about people that only care about themselves and want to be the center of attention. I’m over it.

I have a problem. It’s anxiety. It just happens to me. Some people don’t understand and make it worse.

I have another problem. It’s not being brave enough to be assertive and stand my ground. I have let people push me my whole life. I have said countless times that I would now be more assertive and complain less about people who push me around. I need to be in control.

I have failed. I know its only January, but I am getting so unhappy. I know I will not be everybody’s cup of tea, but I also don’t deserve to be treated that way. People think I’m oblivious, but I’m not stupid. I’m quiet for a reason. I’m observing.

I’m on the outside looking in.

I need help. I’ve decided to get help. I want to talk to someone about my anxiety. I just don’t know where to start. I know what I have to do, but how do you tell your family that you need help?

I just have so many things bottled up and they’re affecting my life.