F*ck It!

Hi, it’s me again. ­čÖé

Have you ever just had enough of something? Anything? Everything?

Yesterday, I started to cry, I was in the middle of a push-up and my anxiety kicked in. I cannot even determine what the trigger could have been. It could have been my work load, it could have been student debt, it could have been the weather, I really cannot pinpoint it.

It happens. I have been trying different things to avoid causing it pop out of nowhere, but it’s anxiety, it usually just appears.

Today, I adopted a new attitude. It’s new. It’s the f*ck it attitude. I’ve decided to f*ck it all.

No, this does not mean that I will produce shitty work, that I will be a shitty person, but it just means that I will not let it affect my life.

I won’t take work home unless needed, if it can wait for tomorrow it will. I will not stress out about things I cannot control. If it did not get done today, it will get done tomorrow.

People being petty. I will not let that affect me. The way they are is a reflection of who they are, it’s not me.

This new attitude helped me get through today, I felt a lot more confident, I was even told I looked nice today. It’s crazy how a whole new attitude changes the way people see you.

Tomorrow is a brand new day and I’m ready to just say F*ck it again.

 

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I’m Back!

Okay, so I know it has been awhile. I didn’t think that I would stay away from writing for this long, but it happened. I got extremely busy with my legal administrative assistant (LAA) program and I had to prioritize between completing my assignments, studying and a lot of other things that were on my plate.

Now I’m officially back.

I finally completed the program and I did very well. I don’t want to brag but my hard work really paid off in the end. I have accomplished a lot in my academic life, but this was something that I knew was going to kick off a new beginning. It was a very intense program, but I knew I made the right decision when I enrolled. I just completed my first week in my position (Oh yeah, I also got a job right out of my practicum placement) and so far, I am loving it. I have been bombarded with training and I’m still trying to find my flow of how to do things and where things are, but the people I work with have been extremely fabulous about helping me out and showing me how things are done. They are patient and teach me little things that will help me adjust in the right way.

I love being exposed to the legal world. I love the legal world. I hope to expand my knowledge and learn a lot more about it while I’m wrapped up in it.

Having a job is something I really needed, I know it has only been a week, but I feel like it already has changed something in me. I feel a lot more independent and free. I come home ┬átired but content with what I’m doing. It also has changed the way I think about my future and I hope to see myself indulging and diving into more roles in the legal world.

I immersed myself so much into my studies that I neglected a lot of things–my health, my sanity, my friendships, and relationships. My family has been quite a foundation in terms of getting to where I am today. We have our ups and downs, we have our differing views of how things should be, but I know that everything they do for me is with good intentions. We are learning together that things are changing, that we are growing up, that we cannot take adventures together, that plans don’t always happen when we want to, but that doesn’t change the fact that I will always be grateful and love them. My friends have also understood that when I’m focused on one thing, I want to finish it before I get distracted. So it was also helpful to complete my phase one goals (Yes, I use phases) and then still have them around to share my joy with. So thank you to my friends for sticking around. Thanks for sharing in my success and I’m proud of all my friends too and their journeys.

I have so much to catch up on in terms of books I have yet to read, blogs that I have not even submitted, clearly I still need to work on my writing but I will get there soon. I have a lot more down time on the weekends for thinking, reading, exploring, and whatever else is out there.

I’m finally back.

On my Own

So it’s been about a week since I’ve written a post! I’ve been taking a few days off to just continue figuring out my life and learning to appreciate myself, my situation and everything around me. I won’t lie it has been hard but there is one thing that I quite have been enjoying which is being alone.

I’ve been spending quite of a few days on my own and it’s been quite interesting. The other day, I actually called up a friend and we talked on the phone which felt really nice to do. Since I’m also quite limited with going out right now since I’m still “funemployed” (not so fun at this point though), I try to just stay home or do things that don’t require too much spending. This limitation has been quite rewarding though. I have learned a bit more about myself so I thought I’d share them with you!

 

  1. I like tea–Yep! I really like tea. There is nothing like sitting staring out a window of a coffee shop and drinking tea. I try to do this more frequently and I just write down my thoughts as I sit there. My thoughts, observations, feelings, I like to jot them down and just embrace the moment of being alone. We all knew I love tea a little too much but I’ve learned to appreciate the taste, the feelings and the comfort of tea.
  2. I know a lot. Okay, so this sounds like a humble brag but I really do know a lot. I’ve spent my whole life learning a bit about everything, so that I could be a well-rounded person which is probably also my downfall at the moment. I like and know a little too much for my own good, which doesn’t allow me to pick one thing. I have so many interests in life that I can’t seem to find my focus which has been a bit detrimental to my success. I know sometimes you really do have to pick one and go with it for a bit. I’m spending a lot of time figuring that out and I really do like where I’m heading, it’s just taking a little longer than usual.
  3. I’ve become more vocal. Even though I’m spending a lot of time on my own, whenever I’m with people, I’ve learned to be more vocal. All my quiet time on my own, allows me to really think about things before speaking them. I still suck a long conversations but I can sorta maintain my confidence in speaking. A downfall is that sometimes I’m too quiet during conversations, I let people say things that are wrong and I need to speak out more. I do enjoy listening to people more than I used to. It allows me to get to understand their thoughts and who they are based on what they say. I guess, it has also made me a bit more judge-y about who I hang with. If you’re saying racist, sexist, or anything remotely disrespectful, I prefer to not speak to you. I know that sounds bad but it’s how I roll these days.
  4. I’ve got a lot going on in my brain. I have been able to do a lot of mental digging. I have thought about my past, what caused me to stunt my own personal growth these days. I know that sounds silly but I’ve looked back at my personal traumas and I’ve been trying to pick out when and where did I change and why. I want to understand myself better and avoid repeating mistakes, avoid bad situations and especially letting go of things that really hurt me. I have a lot going on in here. I guess that’s why sometimes I can’t seem to focus. I need to air all my laundry out and get going with my life.
  5. I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. Although my family can sometimes call me the weakest, the most emotional one and that I really need to control what I cry for. I like to think I’m strong. I’m strong because I’ve endured bullying, endured almost being homeless during high school with my family, I’ve endured family health and personal health problems, I’ve made it through every panic attack, anxiety, even depression. I’m still fighting for what I deserve, what I want and I guess that makes me strong even if somedays I feel like calling it quits
  6. I can’t wait to live on my own. I actually think that once I get a job that pays well and once I start paying of some of my student debt, I will be able to manage on my own. I honestly can’t wait for that. I love my family, I love living with my parents, it really has helped take off a load but I think at some point, I decided that It’s time for me to live my own life. I will obviously spend a lot of time with them but I think it’ll help me grow a lot more being on my own.

So here are some of the self-reflecting moments I’ve had recently. I don’t know what it is but I really enjoy my downtime. For example, right now I’m alone in my room while wearing a face mask (though this will be posted tomorrow morning). I sat here feeling inspired to share with you what has been going on in my brain for the last few weeks. I know it may not seem much to some but to me, it is making all the difference to understand myself, what makes me tick, what makes me happy and what I plan to do.

Thanks for reading!