I’m Back!

Okay, so I know it has been awhile. I didn’t think that I would stay away from writing for this long, but it happened. I got extremely busy with my legal administrative assistant (LAA) program and I had to prioritize between completing my assignments, studying and a lot of other things that were on my plate.

Now I’m officially back.

I finally completed the program and I did very well. I don’t want to brag but my hard work really paid off in the end. I have accomplished a lot in my academic life, but this was something that I knew was going to kick off a new beginning. It was a very intense program, but I knew I made the right decision when I enrolled. I just completed my first week in my position (Oh yeah, I also got a job right out of my practicum placement) and so far, I am loving it. I have been bombarded with training and I’m still trying to find my flow of how to do things and where things are, but the people I work with have been extremely fabulous about helping me out and showing me how things are done. They are patient and teach me little things that will help me adjust in the right way.

I love being exposed to the legal world. I love the legal world. I hope to expand my knowledge and learn a lot more about it while I’m wrapped up in it.

Having a job is something I really needed, I know it has only been a week, but I feel like it already has changed something in me. I feel a lot more independent and free. I come home ┬átired but content with what I’m doing. It also has changed the way I think about my future and I hope to see myself indulging and diving into more roles in the legal world.

I immersed myself so much into my studies that I neglected a lot of things–my health, my sanity, my friendships, and relationships. My family has been quite a foundation in terms of getting to where I am today. We have our ups and downs, we have our differing views of how things should be, but I know that everything they do for me is with good intentions. We are learning together that things are changing, that we are growing up, that we cannot take adventures together, that plans don’t always happen when we want to, but that doesn’t change the fact that I will always be grateful and love them. My friends have also understood that when I’m focused on one thing, I want to finish it before I get distracted. So it was also helpful to complete my phase one goals (Yes, I use phases) and then still have them around to share my joy with. So thank you to my friends for sticking around. Thanks for sharing in my success and I’m proud of all my friends too and their journeys.

I have so much to catch up on in terms of books I have yet to read, blogs that I have not even submitted, clearly I still need to work on my writing but I will get there soon. I have a lot more down time on the weekends for thinking, reading, exploring, and whatever else is out there.

I’m finally back.

Lack of experience, unprepared for the real world

So I’m writing this to you while I sip on my raspberry mint lemonade, I got lost in my thoughts and decided to share. 

If you’ve read many of my posts, they’ve all been filled with regret, with sadness and perhaps with a bit of disappointment in myself. You all know that I haven’t been happy with who I have been and with all the things I missed out on. So I decided to think about how I got here and what led me to be in this position. And it all comes down to one thing, inexperience

I went through a lot in my childhood, I went to 11 different schools, personal trauma that you couldn’t even think of. Yes, there was a lot of instability in my life and perhaps I tried really hard to ensure that nothing I did now was far from unstable but here I am, writing to you about how nothing seems to feel right. I’m inexperienced at life. You could say “no one is ever really ready for life” and I may agree with that but to some degree, I blame myself. 

I can handle pressure, I can handle stress, I can handle change but I’m still not ready for things. I get anxiety at the thought of being an adult, responibilities. I blame myself for not standing my ground, I should have done more things when I was younger. I have been so dependant of my parents, I let them take care of me, they want to and it has been great but at the same time, I feel like I’ve held back.

I don’t know how a lot of things work. I feel embarrassed to say this but I know, all of you, who read this, won’t judge me. You provide guidance and comments that help. I’m trying so hard to be independent but I keep making mistakes. I keep falling on my face. I pick myself up but I keep facing obstacles and I’ll try really hard to do it on my own but I just keep messing up. I don’t want to disappoint my parents. I’ve been careful my whole life, but when it comes to the real world. I know nothing. I’m smart. I’ve been so focused on my academics, I forgot about real world skills. 

I’m not talking about cooking, cleaning and all of that but more of making sure I don’t get sucked into an awful job, walking with confidence, talking about how I really feel to people. I feel like this blog allows me to do that but I don’t want to feel so afraid doing it all out there. I keep thinking and telling myself, if only I had gone on that school trip, if I had been allowed to do that, perhaps I would have a thicker skin, be more courageous, be more assertive. I try to surround myself with people who are, so that maybe it rubs of on me. So far, I notice a slight change in me but I still feel so unprepared. 

Has anyone else ever felt this way? 

Anyway, thank you for taking time to read this again.