So I’m writing this to you while I sip on my raspberry mint lemonade, I got lost in my thoughts and decided to share.
If you’ve read many of my posts, they’ve all been filled with regret, with sadness and perhaps with a bit of disappointment in myself. You all know that I haven’t been happy with who I have been and with all the things I missed out on. So I decided to think about how I got here and what led me to be in this position. And it all comes down to one thing, inexperience.
I went through a lot in my childhood, I went to 11 different schools, personal trauma that you couldn’t even think of. Yes, there was a lot of instability in my life and perhaps I tried really hard to ensure that nothing I did now was far from unstable but here I am, writing to you about how nothing seems to feel right. I’m inexperienced at life. You could say “no one is ever really ready for life” and I may agree with that but to some degree, I blame myself.
I can handle pressure, I can handle stress, I can handle change but I’m still not ready for things. I get anxiety at the thought of being an adult, responibilities. I blame myself for not standing my ground, I should have done more things when I was younger. I have been so dependant of my parents, I let them take care of me, they want to and it has been great but at the same time, I feel like I’ve held back.
I don’t know how a lot of things work. I feel embarrassed to say this but I know, all of you, who read this, won’t judge me. You provide guidance and comments that help. I’m trying so hard to be independent but I keep making mistakes. I keep falling on my face. I pick myself up but I keep facing obstacles and I’ll try really hard to do it on my own but I just keep messing up. I don’t want to disappoint my parents. I’ve been careful my whole life, but when it comes to the real world. I know nothing. I’m smart. I’ve been so focused on my academics, I forgot about real world skills.
I’m not talking about cooking, cleaning and all of that but more of making sure I don’t get sucked into an awful job, walking with confidence, talking about how I really feel to people. I feel like this blog allows me to do that but I don’t want to feel so afraid doing it all out there. I keep thinking and telling myself, if only I had gone on that school trip, if I had been allowed to do that, perhaps I would have a thicker skin, be more courageous, be more assertive. I try to surround myself with people who are, so that maybe it rubs of on me. So far, I notice a slight change in me but I still feel so unprepared.
Has anyone else ever felt this way?
Anyway, thank you for taking time to read this again.