Lack of experience, unprepared for the real world

So I’m writing this to you while I sip on my raspberry mint lemonade, I got lost in my thoughts and decided to share. 

If you’ve read many of my posts, they’ve all been filled with regret, with sadness and perhaps with a bit of disappointment in myself. You all know that I haven’t been happy with who I have been and with all the things I missed out on. So I decided to think about how I got here and what led me to be in this position. And it all comes down to one thing, inexperience

I went through a lot in my childhood, I went to 11 different schools, personal trauma that you couldn’t even think of. Yes, there was a lot of instability in my life and perhaps I tried really hard to ensure that nothing I did now was far from unstable but here I am, writing to you about how nothing seems to feel right. I’m inexperienced at life. You could say “no one is ever really ready for life” and I may agree with that but to some degree, I blame myself. 

I can handle pressure, I can handle stress, I can handle change but I’m still not ready for things. I get anxiety at the thought of being an adult, responibilities. I blame myself for not standing my ground, I should have done more things when I was younger. I have been so dependant of my parents, I let them take care of me, they want to and it has been great but at the same time, I feel like I’ve held back.

I don’t know how a lot of things work. I feel embarrassed to say this but I know, all of you, who read this, won’t judge me. You provide guidance and comments that help. I’m trying so hard to be independent but I keep making mistakes. I keep falling on my face. I pick myself up but I keep facing obstacles and I’ll try really hard to do it on my own but I just keep messing up. I don’t want to disappoint my parents. I’ve been careful my whole life, but when it comes to the real world. I know nothing. I’m smart. I’ve been so focused on my academics, I forgot about real world skills. 

I’m not talking about cooking, cleaning and all of that but more of making sure I don’t get sucked into an awful job, walking with confidence, talking about how I really feel to people. I feel like this blog allows me to do that but I don’t want to feel so afraid doing it all out there. I keep thinking and telling myself, if only I had gone on that school trip, if I had been allowed to do that, perhaps I would have a thicker skin, be more courageous, be more assertive. I try to surround myself with people who are, so that maybe it rubs of on me. So far, I notice a slight change in me but I still feel so unprepared. 

Has anyone else ever felt this way? 

Anyway, thank you for taking time to read this again. 

Being an Adult

“I don’t want to be a little kid, I want to be treated like a grown up”

Those words probably came out of my mouth more time than I can recall. It’s funny to look back at those days and realize, those days have come and gone. Lately, things have started to change in my life. I am working full-time and still working my way through figuring out where life will take me and what will be of my career. I’m clearly still finding my way of course and trying to figure out what I will do for the rest of my life. You’d think that finishing off my degree would provide me with a job right off the bat but that didn’t happen. I know it will. But that wasn’t the point of this blog. Lately, I’ve been feeling more like an adult. It’s been a weird change, I mean I’ve been of legal age for a while now but when you’re in school, you still feel different. Nowadays, I have to wake up and go to work. No choice. I’ve noticed the change, I see myself making sure I have enough for gas, for bills and for food. Of course, I still take the time to have fun but it feels different. I didn’t think I would feel this different in just a few months and weeks. I have a long way to go still, I obviously still live at home but even then, the change is noticeable. I’ve been asked if i’ll move out soon or that I should move out but I don’t necessarily feel economically secure to do that. Some people leave home and then come back because of the cost. I don’t want to do that. I want to be fully secure and independent to do that.

It’s been so weird. I’m appreciating the days when I get to take a break. I even have plants in my room now. Even what I read has changed. Well, more like evolved because I will always read my classics but lately I’m reading more thought provoking reads. I feel great. I even lost weight. I actually went back to my normal size-self which is a 10. I’m happy about that. I hadn’t been a 10 since high school. I slowly gained so much weight, the biggest size I’ve been is 16 and it made me unhappy. I slowly started taking better care of myself and to have lost that much weight in a few years makes me happy. I feel like I started to care more about my well-being rather than being skinny.

Like I mentioned, I still have a long way to go before being a full functioning adult but I mean, I already know what it feels like to have your car die on the freeway….thanks for my parents coming to my rescue! (I forgot to apply for my triple A membership…oops!). I’m still learning. I already can see how much costs. Gosh, when did things get so expensive. haha. Anyway…

I feel good, somewhat tired because work is brutal. I miss school on most days, I actually plan to go back…of course, I need to save up for that…oh, and also a trip somewhere nice.

Well, just thought I’d let you all know that I’m feeling like an adult now.