There has been a constant “Oh, dear we hope you find someone soon!” or the oh-so familiar “You don’t want to stay single for too long, you don’t want to miss the boat”…What boat? I haven’t even arrived to the port. I’m not going to whine and complain that I’m sick of hearing that because I really just don’t care. Even though I am writing a post about it…The problem is people concern themselves with issues that they don’t need to. I’ve surrounded myself with like-minded people who either are in amazing relationships, married, engaged or are single like me who just don’t give a crap about what others have to say about their relationship status. Yes, you’ll hear me say wow, my friends are getting engaged and married or into relationships and I’m still here…but I say it proudly because one day or sooner, I will be one of those friends too or not.
I’ve gotten a few “but you know you don’t want to be too old to start a family” or “you’ve been single for two years? but how do you manage?”. It’s a simple yet quite fascinating answer. I just don’t care. Don’t get me wrong, If someone were to ask me out right now, I would consider it. Why? Well, because I am okay with being in a relationship or being single. I don’t need people to dictate when I should be ready or that I should hurry because it’s none of their business. I’m happy being single and I’ll be happy in a relationship. My relationship status does not dictate my level of happiness. I have more important things to worry about like finding a job that makes me happy, living a life that I can be proud of, being happy with my family, going out with friends, having fun. If I am able to share that with someone one day or if I don’t, I’m cool with that.
You’re telling me that I’m getting close to my thirties and it’ll be harder to have kids. Well, it’s my body, my concern. Don’t you worry about me. I know what I’m doing with my life. You just focus on yours. Seriously, I’m good. So if you’re going through this weird phase where everyone is asking and providing if’s, ands, or buts about your life, just say this magical words, Don’t worry about me. It may come off as rude to the person, it may come off as weird or arrogant or whatever but in the end, you’re the only one who can determine what you do with your life whether you date or you don’t, get into a serious relationship, whether you say yes to marriage or prefer to stay single, it’s your life.
So you all know how I’m working on my writing. I love writing whether it stays private or sharing it with you guys. I’m obviously not quite where I want it to be and I keep experimenting with different writing formats. Some I can easily manage and feel quite proud and then there is one that I just can’t seem to grasp. I know that it isn’t my strongest writing format but I try really hard anyway because I want it to get better. The both times I have done this format haven’t really worked out at all. Some magazines or interviews make it look so easy and perhaps I should have done more research (Okay, I googled it a few times) into how to conduct and write proper interviews. It’s so easy to get discouraged when it doesn’t go your way. When you try to put your thoughts down but they don’t sound how you wanted them to. Or when you had a vision in mind and it just didn’t work out. You begin to doubt yourself and consider whether you are even good and you just want to give up writing completely.
Well, that’s life. You’re not going to be good at everything and shit happens. You’ll feel like shit, discouraged and insecure. But it doesn’t mean you stop. Whether it’s singing, instrument-playing, a certain sport, writing, reading, etc., when you love something you just don’t stop. You keep at it until you feel confident about it.
There will always be people who make you feel like you’re not good enough. And that’s also a part of life. It’s only a problem if you give them the power to make you feel that way. There will be others who give you good criticism and it’s on you to still take it or not and how you let it affect you. I understand there is nothing more frustrating than knowing your work isn’t strong like it should be. It sucks. Sometimes you just got to look at this way, the message of what you wanted to show or say is more important than your ego. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad writer, bad dancer (Hey, my dance teacher in high school told me I walked like a duck…it doesn’t mean I was a bad dancer…I just have bad feet), or whatever else you think you’re bad at. You’re not. Someone out there loves what you do. It could only be just you but that’s okay too. You do things for you anyway so it shouldn’t make you feel bad.
Or you can just completely give up and stick with what you know. Yep, you can take that route too. There is no right or wrong, It’s basically you want it or you don’t. I like to stick with what I know, sometimes I like to try new things out of my comfort zone and it usually ends up being an epic fail but guess what it was new and exciting. You learned a great deal about yourself and your capabilities. How you behave, react, feel about a certain situation. Sometimes it’s just our egos that are hurt but it’ll make you realize a lot about yourself in general. Our ego’s always get hurt, just don’t let it last long. We like it when our ego’s are filled with compliments and success, you feel elated but you get one that you didn’t completely expect, you know what happens. Some people don’t let anything affect them, I like those people, they’re the ones that I want to be like but so far I’m not quite there yet.
Everything you do in life can make you or break you, it depends on which route you want to take.
“I don’t want to be a little kid, I want to be treated like a grown up”
Those words probably came out of my mouth more time than I can recall. It’s funny to look back at those days and realize, those days have come and gone. Lately, things have started to change in my life. I am working full-time and still working my way through figuring out where life will take me and what will be of my career. I’m clearly still finding my way of course and trying to figure out what I will do for the rest of my life. You’d think that finishing off my degree would provide me with a job right off the bat but that didn’t happen. I know it will. But that wasn’t the point of this blog. Lately, I’ve been feeling more like an adult. It’s been a weird change, I mean I’ve been of legal age for a while now but when you’re in school, you still feel different. Nowadays, I have to wake up and go to work. No choice. I’ve noticed the change, I see myself making sure I have enough for gas, for bills and for food. Of course, I still take the time to have fun but it feels different. I didn’t think I would feel this different in just a few months and weeks. I have a long way to go still, I obviously still live at home but even then, the change is noticeable. I’ve been asked if i’ll move out soon or that I should move out but I don’t necessarily feel economically secure to do that. Some people leave home and then come back because of the cost. I don’t want to do that. I want to be fully secure and independent to do that.
It’s been so weird. I’m appreciating the days when I get to take a break. I even have plants in my room now. Even what I read has changed. Well, more like evolved because I will always read my classics but lately I’m reading more thought provoking reads. I feel great. I even lost weight. I actually went back to my normal size-self which is a 10. I’m happy about that. I hadn’t been a 10 since high school. I slowly gained so much weight, the biggest size I’ve been is 16 and it made me unhappy. I slowly started taking better care of myself and to have lost that much weight in a few years makes me happy. I feel like I started to care more about my well-being rather than being skinny.
Like I mentioned, I still have a long way to go before being a full functioning adult but I mean, I already know what it feels like to have your car die on the freeway….thanks for my parents coming to my rescue! (I forgot to apply for my triple A membership…oops!). I’m still learning. I already can see how much costs. Gosh, when did things get so expensive. haha. Anyway…
I feel good, somewhat tired because work is brutal. I miss school on most days, I actually plan to go back…of course, I need to save up for that…oh, and also a trip somewhere nice.
Well, just thought I’d let you all know that I’m feeling like an adult now.
I know it’s been rough,
loss is the hardest thing,
but picking ourselves up is even harder.
I know you’re sad you’ll never see your beloved again
but just like the sun sets to rise again the next day,
you will see your beloved again.
no matter what you believe in.
they’ll always be in your heart
In memory of Luka Gordic & Lina Kropp.
Okay, so I wanted to be a bit more serious about what I write about lately. I just haven’t had the time to really think about what. I got so used to writing about my personal experiences and things that everyone else writes about. I couldn’t decide on whether to shift into more of a book review type of blog, serious issues with society or just keep it as is. As I get older, I find that things aren’t the same and they will continue to change. I’m currently sitting outside, enjoying fresh air and thinking about what I might have for dinner, while there are tons of people who may not have the privilege. It’s strange when you’re alone, swinging outside and you are with your own thoughts. This morning, I overheard a conversation that broke my heart.
My dad was talking about how he didn’t expect his life to turn out this way, he’s been stressed out a lot. He thinks he hasn’t given us everything we deserve and I’m here thinking we got enough. Yes, we had really difficult times, we were homeless for quite some time, we were that percent of society that lives way below the poverty line. Yes, we have struggled but I feel blessed. I have both my parents here with me (even though I’ve been so close to losing them), I have my siblings, my pets, a roof over my head, an education and I feel loved. I know that we sometimes struggle with money but we spend most of our time enjoying ourselves that I think it really outweighs the bad moments. It really broke my heart when I heard that and I began to think how many others feel this way.
We are a society where there is so much occurring. There is a lot of bad stuff out there, but no one really talks about their struggle in the open. We post everything on the internet but not how we really feel. We post when we are good or want to bring an issue up about something else but we are so private about our personal conflicts. I think the problem is that we are ashamed or embarrassed. I think we shouldn’t. I know that maybe I’m being unrealistic in the way I think sometimes. Sometimes I do wish that it was all cotton candy and rainbows and pots of gold for everyone, but then that would just be really naive of me. I know and try to understand each persons struggle, even when I have my own. I know we can’t fix everything at once. I just wish we could.