Homeless

Definition of homeless

:having no home or permanent place of residence 

homelessness

noun

I remember.
days where we had a roof over our heads
but struggled between food on our table and hot showers in the winter.
I remember.
the months where we had a roof over our heads
but we shared a two bed motel room and meals provided
by our local food bank.
I remember.
having a roof over our heads
but showing up to school and being made fun of
for being on the lunch program.
I remember.
having a roof over our heads
but suddenly moving once again
because we could no longer afford it.
I remember.
This was my definition of homelessness.
I remember.
I was scared and shivering.
I remember.
Having to choose between toys and the important things.
I remember.
Crying and not understanding why.
I remember the stress, the struggle
the division of our family.
I remember thinking I was too young to feel this stressed.
Being worried about what would happen.
I remember.
As long as we are together we are home.
We have now found home.
but I think about those who haven’t.
Will they ever find home?
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Mirror

We never had the best relationship.

It started at such a young age.

It could have been those 7 years of bad luck,

from the time I let you fall and shatter into a million pieces.

It could have been revenge,

You took joy from seeing my insecurities, my tears and disgust.

You would show me all the things that were wrong.

You haven’t been fully in my life since I was 16.

There would be glimpses of you whever I went,

when I walk the streets, the stores, even in a puddle,

And you would show me again and again what was wrong.

I am older now and I have let you back in my life.

I decide what you show me. I let you see my vulnerablities.

I let you see my emotions.

I give you permission to see me.

I do the talking.

 

Drunken thoughts.

It was the little things about you.

The little things we used to do.

They’re gone now.

Everything we do now, it feels forced.

I want to tell you that I love you.

I just can’t seem to let the world slip out of my mouth.

I want you to know. I really do. Even now, as I drink.

The sweet taste becomes a burn. I think about how I am not important to you.

How it seems like I never was….How it seems like I was just a temporary replacement.

It was the little things.

It was the longing stares.

It was the deep conversations about where we wanted to go and who we wanted to be.

I want to tell you that after all this time. I still feel some sort of way.

But what will that even do?

It’s not going to change anything. No matter how much I wish it to be.

 

 

 

F*ck It!

Hi, it’s me again. 🙂

Have you ever just had enough of something? Anything? Everything?

Yesterday, I started to cry, I was in the middle of a push-up and my anxiety kicked in. I cannot even determine what the trigger could have been. It could have been my work load, it could have been student debt, it could have been the weather, I really cannot pinpoint it.

It happens. I have been trying different things to avoid causing it pop out of nowhere, but it’s anxiety, it usually just appears.

Today, I adopted a new attitude. It’s new. It’s the f*ck it attitude. I’ve decided to f*ck it all.

No, this does not mean that I will produce shitty work, that I will be a shitty person, but it just means that I will not let it affect my life.

I won’t take work home unless needed, if it can wait for tomorrow it will. I will not stress out about things I cannot control. If it did not get done today, it will get done tomorrow.

People being petty. I will not let that affect me. The way they are is a reflection of who they are, it’s not me.

This new attitude helped me get through today, I felt a lot more confident, I was even told I looked nice today. It’s crazy how a whole new attitude changes the way people see you.

Tomorrow is a brand new day and I’m ready to just say F*ck it again.