F*ck It!

Hi, it’s me again. 🙂

Have you ever just had enough of something? Anything? Everything?

Yesterday, I started to cry, I was in the middle of a push-up and my anxiety kicked in. I cannot even determine what the trigger could have been. It could have been my work load, it could have been student debt, it could have been the weather, I really cannot pinpoint it.

It happens. I have been trying different things to avoid causing it pop out of nowhere, but it’s anxiety, it usually just appears.

Today, I adopted a new attitude. It’s new. It’s the f*ck it attitude. I’ve decided to f*ck it all.

No, this does not mean that I will produce shitty work, that I will be a shitty person, but it just means that I will not let it affect my life.

I won’t take work home unless needed, if it can wait for tomorrow it will. I will not stress out about things I cannot control. If it did not get done today, it will get done tomorrow.

People being petty. I will not let that affect me. The way they are is a reflection of who they are, it’s not me.

This new attitude helped me get through today, I felt a lot more confident, I was even told I looked nice today. It’s crazy how a whole new attitude changes the way people see you.

Tomorrow is a brand new day and I’m ready to just say F*ck it again.

 

Hey!

As you know, I have not been active for quite some time. I have been having a bit of writer’s block. I have also been extremely busy adjusting to the ever-changing work environment I have been in.

There hasn’t been anything exciting happening in my life, so I guess there hasn’t been anything to share. But, it also got me thinking, why should I have to share things with you, when things are actually happening to me? Why can’t I just come here and talk to you about what isn’t happening in my life? Of course, there are some things that are coming up that I am excited for, but lately, I have been living a low-key life.

Just go to work, work-out, bake some cakes, volunteer and save up for a few upcoming trips.

Do you ever feel like that’s all you got? Work and sleep. Work and sleep? It’s repetitive. You constantly ask yourself if you’re happy, or if you will be happy at some point.

I probably sound depressing or sad. I have been quite sad. It’s the never-ending circle of work and paying bills.

I do have a few things to look forward to and I have made a few decisions to progress in my career, but I hope they make me happy in the long run.

Well, I hope I wasn’t too much of a debbie-downer.

Until next time.

All over the place

It’s so weird, the more I try to be more positive, the more negative vibes come my way. People are so complicated, I have decided to just forget about people that only care about themselves and want to be the center of attention. I’m over it.

I have a problem. It’s anxiety. It just happens to me. Some people don’t understand and make it worse.

I have another problem. It’s not being brave enough to be assertive and stand my ground. I have let people push me my whole life. I have said countless times that I would now be more assertive and complain less about people who push me around. I need to be in control.

I have failed. I know its only January, but I am getting so unhappy. I know I will not be everybody’s cup of tea, but I also don’t deserve to be treated that way. People think I’m oblivious, but I’m not stupid. I’m quiet for a reason. I’m observing.

I’m on the outside looking in.

I need help. I’ve decided to get help. I want to talk to someone about my anxiety. I just don’t know where to start. I know what I have to do, but how do you tell your family that you need help?

I just have so many things bottled up and they’re affecting my life.

 

 

When push comes to shove

Last night, I broke down crying. Last night, it seemed like the pain would never end.

It was an overwhelming sense of desperation and fear. This year is supposed to be a year where I stop trying and start doing. Yesterday, realization hit that I would probably have to put a lot of plans on hold.

Last night, I relied on music and wine to soothe the ache.

Everything can be fine and then instantly everything can feel like it’s crashing down. I’m thankful to have the support of my family, but last night, I felt so alone.

The sacrifices I am going to have to make will be intense, the things I’ll have to give up, just so that things can get better. I keep telling myself it’s going to be okay but deep down inside, I’m worried that I’ll be giving up the best years of my life.

It was poor planning, it was poor decision making, I know I should have saved, I know I should have prepared better. I could blame society, our education system, I could place the blame on everyone else but me. I just know that there were things I could have done to reduce student debt. The stress is unbearable. I’m 25 years old and I feel like I just aged instantly.

Last night, I gave up my youth. I’ve become a modern day slave. Working to earn my keep, working to pay off this debt. This is what is done to countless of other people like me. Those who come from working families who wanted to send their children to school, families who have sick parents. When dreams and goals get blocked by greed. It’s a sad sad day. I am thankful, I will have help. But what about those who will have no help?

Last night, my end goal was put on hold, in order to pay off the beginning of that goal.

 

 

 

Living in a modern world

With everyone constantly on their phones, we rarely look up. We find ourselves only involving ourselves in conversations about what we saw online, or about her snap or about his post. We share news articles because everyone does it. We make everything a trend.

It has been advantageous to some degree. We share bits in pieces of our lives without having to constantly see each other. We learn about worldwide problems with the click of a mouse. We can meet people without having to ever leave the house first. 

There is pretty much an app for everything. I’m not necessarily complaining. It’s just everything is so within reach. It feels too easy. Perhaps I slightly like a more challenging environment. Perhaps I want something with more meaning. 

We live in such a world of oversharing. I’ve tried to get on this boat, but the more I’m on it. The more I want to run away. Maybe I’m just tired today. Maybe I’ve been tired for awhile. I’m being hypocritical also, I mean what did I use to write this? My phone, while drinking my Starbucks coffee. You see…it’s just the world we live in. I’m still learning to adapt to it. It can just be a little suffocating.