We never had the best relationship.
It started at such a young age.
It could have been those 7 years of bad luck,
from the time I let you fall and shatter into a million pieces.
It could have been revenge,
You took joy from seeing my insecurities, my tears and disgust.
You would show me all the things that were wrong.
You haven’t been fully in my life since I was 16.
There would be glimpses of you whever I went,
when I walk the streets, the stores, even in a puddle,
And you would show me again and again what was wrong.
I am older now and I have let you back in my life.
I decide what you show me. I let you see my vulnerablities.
I let you see my emotions.
I give you permission to see me.
I do the talking.
It was the little things about you.
The little things we used to do.
They’re gone now.
Everything we do now, it feels forced.
I want to tell you that I love you.
I just can’t seem to let the world slip out of my mouth.
I want you to know. I really do. Even now, as I drink.
The sweet taste becomes a burn. I think about how I am not important to you.
How it seems like I never was….How it seems like I was just a temporary replacement.
It was the little things.
It was the longing stares.
It was the deep conversations about where we wanted to go and who we wanted to be.
I want to tell you that after all this time. I still feel some sort of way.
But what will that even do?
It’s not going to change anything. No matter how much I wish it to be.
You're still on my mind.
I wish you weren't.
I don't even feel the same way.
But I miss you.
I wonder when,
I wonder how,
I wonder why.
Do I even ever cross your mind?
I don't even feel the same way.
I just wish I knew what happened.
We were so close.
All this time,
It's going by,
I don't even hear from you.
Will you ever be coming back?
Hi, it’s me again. 🙂
Have you ever just had enough of something? Anything? Everything?
Yesterday, I started to cry, I was in the middle of a push-up and my anxiety kicked in. I cannot even determine what the trigger could have been. It could have been my work load, it could have been student debt, it could have been the weather, I really cannot pinpoint it.
It happens. I have been trying different things to avoid causing it pop out of nowhere, but it’s anxiety, it usually just appears.
Today, I adopted a new attitude. It’s new. It’s the f*ck it attitude. I’ve decided to f*ck it all.
No, this does not mean that I will produce shitty work, that I will be a shitty person, but it just means that I will not let it affect my life.
I won’t take work home unless needed, if it can wait for tomorrow it will. I will not stress out about things I cannot control. If it did not get done today, it will get done tomorrow.
People being petty. I will not let that affect me. The way they are is a reflection of who they are, it’s not me.
This new attitude helped me get through today, I felt a lot more confident, I was even told I looked nice today. It’s crazy how a whole new attitude changes the way people see you.
Tomorrow is a brand new day and I’m ready to just say F*ck it again.
As you know, I have not been active for quite some time. I have been having a bit of writer’s block. I have also been extremely busy adjusting to the ever-changing work environment I have been in.
There hasn’t been anything exciting happening in my life, so I guess there hasn’t been anything to share. But, it also got me thinking, why should I have to share things with you, when things are actually happening to me? Why can’t I just come here and talk to you about what isn’t happening in my life? Of course, there are some things that are coming up that I am excited for, but lately, I have been living a low-key life.
Just go to work, work-out, bake some cakes, volunteer and save up for a few upcoming trips.
Do you ever feel like that’s all you got? Work and sleep. Work and sleep? It’s repetitive. You constantly ask yourself if you’re happy, or if you will be happy at some point.
I probably sound depressing or sad. I have been quite sad. It’s the never-ending circle of work and paying bills.
I do have a few things to look forward to and I have made a few decisions to progress in my career, but I hope they make me happy in the long run.
Well, I hope I wasn’t too much of a debbie-downer.
Until next time.