All over the place

It’s so weird, the more I try to be more positive, the more negative vibes come my way. People are so complicated, I have decided to just forget about people that only care about themselves and want to be the center of attention. I’m over it.

I have a problem. It’s anxiety. It just happens to me. Some people don’t understand and make it worse.

I have another problem. It’s not being brave enough to be assertive and stand my ground. I have let people push me my whole life. I have said countless times that I would now be more assertive and complain less about people who push me around. I need to be in control.

I have failed. I know its only January, but I am getting so unhappy. I know I will not be everybody’s cup of tea, but I also don’t deserve to be treated that way. People think I’m oblivious, but I’m not stupid. I’m quiet for a reason. I’m observing.

I’m on the outside looking in.

I need help. I’ve decided to get help. I want to talk to someone about my anxiety. I just don’t know where to start. I know what I have to do, but how do you tell your family that you need help?

I just have so many things bottled up and they’re affecting my life.



When push comes to shove

Last night, I broke down crying. Last night, it seemed like the pain would never end.

It was an overwhelming sense of desperation and fear. This year is supposed to be a year where I stop trying and start doing. Yesterday, realization hit that I would probably have to put a lot of plans on hold.

Last night, I relied on music and wine to soothe the ache.

Everything can be fine and then instantly everything can feel like it’s crashing down. I’m thankful to have the support of my family, but last night, I felt so alone.

The sacrifices I am going to have to make will be intense, the things I’ll have to give up, just so that things can get better. I keep telling myself it’s going to be okay but deep down inside, I’m worried that I’ll be giving up the best years of my life.

It was poor planning, it was poor decision making, I know I should have saved, I know I should have prepared better. I could blame society, our education system, I could place the blame on everyone else but me. I just know that there were things I could have done to reduce student debt. The stress is unbearable. I’m 25 years old and I feel like I just aged instantly.

Last night, I gave up my youth. I’ve become a modern day slave. Working to earn my keep, working to pay off this debt. This is what is done to countless of other people like me. Those who come from working families who wanted to send their children to school, families who have sick parents. When dreams and goals get blocked by greed. It’s a sad sad day. I am thankful, I will have help. But what about those who will have no help?

Last night, my end goal was put on hold, in order to pay off the beginning of that goal.




Living in a modern world

With everyone constantly on their phones, we rarely look up. We find ourselves only involving ourselves in conversations about what we saw online, or about her snap or about his post. We share news articles because everyone does it. We make everything a trend.

It has been advantageous to some degree. We share bits in pieces of our lives without having to constantly see each other. We learn about worldwide problems with the click of a mouse. We can meet people without having to ever leave the house first. 

There is pretty much an app for everything. I’m not necessarily complaining. It’s just everything is so within reach. It feels too easy. Perhaps I slightly like a more challenging environment. Perhaps I want something with more meaning. 

We live in such a world of oversharing. I’ve tried to get on this boat, but the more I’m on it. The more I want to run away. Maybe I’m just tired today. Maybe I’ve been tired for awhile. I’m being hypocritical also, I mean what did I use to write this? My phone, while drinking my Starbucks coffee. You see…it’s just the world we live in. I’m still learning to adapt to it. It can just be a little suffocating. 

2017: The year of doing 

Everyone’s writing their resolutions or have set plans for this year. One of my friends asked me what my resolutions were for this year, I didn’t even know how to answer. I figured my year would be like any year. Try and travel, try and go on more adventures, try something new. I realized, I’m a trier but rarely a do-er. 

I want to save up but never do. I want to travel but never plan a trip. I want to go on adventures but find myself watching Netflix or reading. This year, I want it to be different.

I want to be financially responsible while paying off debt, I still want to manage having some fun. It’s going to take work and a lot of self-control. I will have to figure out what to give up on…maybe Starbucks…who am I kidding? It’ll probably be giving up buying clothes, lipstick and shoes. I need my Starbucks. 

This year, I want to invest in myself, my mental health by taking breaks. Seeing the world and not let debt take over my life. I want to be so refreshed so that next year I’m ready to tackle the biggest but most exciting event of my life.

I have a four month plan to pay off a certain amount of debt but also save up for a trip to Nicaragua. I hope that sharing this with you, it makes me accountable, plus it would be kickass to write about it in the near future. 

I will begin fully studying for the LSAT. I will save up to volunteer abroad. I just want to build a life, I’m proud of. All these things on my bucket list and I haven’t managed to cross any off in awhile because I’ve been so scared of fully committing. 

I guess I’ll keep you updated. And if any of you have any financial or tips on how to conquer this, please leave me a comment! 

The problem with love 

I’ve never had a way with words,

I’ve always let my actions speak for me.

I’ve also never been the type to let people in easily, 

I’m not saying I let you in easily. It has been a constant struggle. I battled with myself and then it hit me. I just let you have it. It slowly creeped in. 

You still do. You still have it.

I always wanted to feel this way. Always. It’s a beautiful feeling. Everything seems perfect. When you’re around, I can’t help but feel alive and happy. You add to my wholeness. 

But what never occurred to me is that when I was handing it over, 

You weren’t giving anything back. Or maybe you were. I guess I’ll never know.

I guess this is the problem. And now here I am, asking for it back. Please return to sender. Because now it just hurts. 

I didn’t even realize it. Now here I am writing it, pleading for mercy. 

Maybe you had intentions in the beginning, or maybe I had it all wrong. There’s never really a right or wrong, is there? I guess my timing was off, perhaps I fooled myself into believing it could be real. 
I could go over this, all day. Spin the ideas, the what-ifs, but at the end of the day, you still have all of my love. 
And even if I made it clear or obvious, it may have not been to you at all.