The problem with loveĀ 

I’ve never had a way with words,

I’ve always let my actions speak for me.

I’ve also never been the type to let people in easily, 

I’m not saying I let you in easily. It has been a constant struggle. I battled with myself and then it hit me. I just let you have it. It slowly creeped in. 

You still do. You still have it.

I always wanted to feel this way. Always. It’s a beautiful feeling. Everything seems perfect. When you’re around, I can’t help but feel alive and happy. You add to my wholeness. 

But what never occurred to me is that when I was handing it over, 

You weren’t giving anything back. Or maybe you were. I guess I’ll never know.

I guess this is the problem. And now here I am, asking for it back. Please return to sender. Because now it just hurts. 

I didn’t even realize it. Now here I am writing it, pleading for mercy. 

Maybe you had intentions in the beginning, or maybe I had it all wrong. There’s never really a right or wrong, is there? I guess my timing was off, perhaps I fooled myself into believing it could be real. 
I could go over this, all day. Spin the ideas, the what-ifs, but at the end of the day, you still have all of my love. 
And even if I made it clear or obvious, it may have not been to you at all.

Tell me

If only being so blatantly honest was easy. I would straight up tell you that I love you. I would tell you that you make everything better and you’re one of the reasons I smile. I keep myself up at all hours just waiting to talk to you. Distance isn’t our friend. Distance and time are our worst enemy. You’re there, I’m here. You were here but you were with her. It makes no sense. You’re my friend. We’re going to go on adventures together. I look forward to that. But tell me, what are we?

It’s real

I’m not one to say it out loud.
I’ll write it down.
I’ll pretend.
I’ll runaway.

Because once I know that when the words leave my mouth,
it’ll be real,
I’ve exposed what I want,
What I’m feeling.
Once they leave, it’s out there.
It can be used against me,
it can be meant for me,
You never know.

Once the words left my mouth,
I knew that everything would change.
Once someone heard what I have said,
it changed me, it changed them,
it changed what we could be.

It’s real now.
It’s terrifying,
It’s thrilling,
It’s tempting,
It’s still real.

Once I said it out loud,
I knew that I couldn’t take it back.
I just knew that what ever happens now,
will leave us all different.
I’m shaking with a bit of hope.
Let’s see where this takes us now.

On my Own

So it’s been about a week since I’ve written a post! I’ve been taking a few days off to just continue figuring out my life and learning to appreciate myself, my situation and everything around me. I won’t lie it has been hard but there is one thing that I quite have been enjoying which is being alone.

I’ve been spending quite of a few days on my own and it’s been quite interesting. The other day, I actually called up a friend and we talked on the phone which felt really nice to do. Since I’m also quite limited with going out right now since I’m still “funemployed” (not so fun at this point though), I try to just stay home or do things that don’t require too much spending. This limitation has been quite rewarding though. I have learned a bit more about myself so I thought I’d share them with you!

 

  1. I like tea–Yep! I really like tea. There is nothing like sitting staring out a window of a coffee shop and drinking tea. I try to do this more frequently and I just write down my thoughts as I sit there. My thoughts, observations, feelings, I like to jot them down and just embrace the moment of being alone. We all knew I love tea a little too much but I’ve learned to appreciate the taste, the feelings and the comfort of tea.
  2. I know a lot. Okay, so this sounds like a humble brag but I really do know a lot. I’ve spent my whole life learning a bit about everything, so that I could be a well-rounded person which is probably also my downfall at the moment. I like and know a little too much for my own good, which doesn’t allow me to pick one thing. I have so many interests in life that I can’t seem to find my focus which has been a bit detrimental to my success. I know sometimes you really do have to pick one and go with it for a bit. I’m spending a lot of time figuring that out and I really do like where I’m heading, it’s just taking a little longer than usual.
  3. I’ve become more vocal. Even though I’m spending a lot of time on my own, whenever I’m with people, I’ve learned to be more vocal. All my quiet time on my own, allows me to really think about things before speaking them. I still suck a long conversations but I can sorta maintain my confidence in speaking. A downfall is that sometimes I’m too quiet during conversations, I let people say things that are wrong and I need to speak out more. I do enjoy listening to people more than I used to. It allows me to get to understand their thoughts and who they are based on what they say. I guess, it has also made me a bit more judge-y about who I hang with. If you’re saying racist, sexist, or anything remotely disrespectful, I prefer to not speak to you. I know that sounds bad but it’s how I roll these days.
  4. I’ve got a lot going on in my brain. I have been able to do a lot of mental digging. I have thought about my past, what caused me to stunt my own personal growth these days. I know that sounds silly but I’ve looked back at my personal traumas and I’ve been trying to pick out when and where did I change and why. I want to understand myself better and avoid repeating mistakes, avoid bad situations and especially letting go of things that really hurt me. I have a lot going on in here. I guess that’s why sometimes I can’t seem to focus. I need to air all my laundry out and get going with my life.
  5. I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. Although my family can sometimes call me the weakest, the most emotional one and that I really need to control what I cry for. I like to think I’m strong. I’m strong because I’ve endured bullying, endured almost being homeless during high school with my family, I’ve endured family health and personal health problems, I’ve made it through every panic attack, anxiety, even depression. I’m still fighting for what I deserve, what I want and I guess that makes me strong even if somedays I feel like calling it quits
  6. I can’t wait to live on my own. I actually think that once I get a job that pays well and once I start paying of some of my student debt, I will be able to manage on my own. I honestly can’t wait for that. I love my family, I love living with my parents, it really has helped take off a load but I think at some point, I decided that It’s time for me to live my own life. I will obviously spend a lot of time with them but I think it’ll help me grow a lot more being on my own.

So here are some of the self-reflecting moments I’ve had recently. I don’t know what it is but I really enjoy my downtime. For example, right now I’m alone in my room while wearing a face mask (though this will be posted tomorrow morning). I sat here feeling inspired to share with you what has been going on in my brain for the last few weeks. I know it may not seem much to some but to me, it is making all the difference to understand myself, what makes me tick, what makes me happy and what I plan to do.

Thanks for reading!

In search of the moon

In search of the moon,Where the brightness filled the sky

And I avoided where darkness touched

I looked all around and I still couldn’t find it

In search of the moon,

My eyes wandered 

Catching glimpses of stars 

And silhouettes of others on the same mission as I

In search of the moon,

I gazed upon your eyes

And what I found was 

Exhilarating. 

In search of the moon,

I found you.

And when I found you,

I saw that the moon was trapped in your eyes.