It was the way he wore his smile.
the confidence & sincerity.
he wore it well.
he brought warmth to my cheeks
& a desire to feel.
It was the way he looked,
made me wonder what it would feel like
to be his coat that kept him warm.
So I have not been posting anything. I just wanted to share where I’m at and how I’m feeling. It has been a crazy term, I’ve been doing so well and keeping busy. But, because I have been so busy, I haven’t had time to realize how I’m feeling.
So today, I ended up with anxiety. Anxiety is the worst thing ever, it just shows up when it wants to and you do every possible thing to ensure no one sees you’re about to break down. I thought that if I stayed in class, it would force me to be okay. Unfortunately, I ended up feeling suffocated, I could feel that weird gnawing feeling rise up from the pit of my stomach and it got stuck right at my chest. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want anyone to know or see. I had mentioned it to two friends, they knew. I got up and made it to the ladies’ room. I tried to ground myself, I tried to focus on my breathing, I just couldn’t control it.
I know what triggered it. I tried to avoid it from getting worse, but I still ended up in tears.
Everyone assumes I’m always put together and that I could “never” have this because of my work ethic, or because of how happy I am, but I do.
I had one of those days. I’m exhausted. I slept it off and I’ll be ready for a brand new day.
If only being so blatantly honest was easy. I would straight up tell you that I love you. I would tell you that you make everything better and you’re one of the reasons I smile. I keep myself up at all hours just waiting to talk to you. Distance isn’t our friend. Distance and time are our worst enemy. You’re there, I’m here. You were here but you were with her. It makes no sense. You’re my friend. We’re going to go on adventures together. I look forward to that. But tell me, what are we?
This is the kind of pain that hurts the most,
the one that silently creeps up on you.
The kind that burns the pit of your soul,
the one that wells up in the eyes
when you’re alone.
It’s the kind of pain that no one sees,
but when you’re alone it explodes.
The kind of pain that you hide behind a smile,
the one you silence in public when it decides to show up.
Does anyone else know this kind of pain?
I’m not one to say it out loud.
I’ll write it down.
Because once I know that when the words leave my mouth,
it’ll be real,
I’ve exposed what I want,
What I’m feeling.
Once they leave, it’s out there.
It can be used against me,
it can be meant for me,
You never know.
Once the words left my mouth,
I knew that everything would change.
Once someone heard what I have said,
it changed me, it changed them,
it changed what we could be.
It’s real now.
It’s still real.
Once I said it out loud,
I knew that I couldn’t take it back.
I just knew that what ever happens now,
will leave us all different.
I’m shaking with a bit of hope.
Let’s see where this takes us now.