F*ck It!

Hi, it’s me again. 🙂

Have you ever just had enough of something? Anything? Everything?

Yesterday, I started to cry, I was in the middle of a push-up and my anxiety kicked in. I cannot even determine what the trigger could have been. It could have been my work load, it could have been student debt, it could have been the weather, I really cannot pinpoint it.

It happens. I have been trying different things to avoid causing it pop out of nowhere, but it’s anxiety, it usually just appears.

Today, I adopted a new attitude. It’s new. It’s the f*ck it attitude. I’ve decided to f*ck it all.

No, this does not mean that I will produce shitty work, that I will be a shitty person, but it just means that I will not let it affect my life.

I won’t take work home unless needed, if it can wait for tomorrow it will. I will not stress out about things I cannot control. If it did not get done today, it will get done tomorrow.

People being petty. I will not let that affect me. The way they are is a reflection of who they are, it’s not me.

This new attitude helped me get through today, I felt a lot more confident, I was even told I looked nice today. It’s crazy how a whole new attitude changes the way people see you.

Tomorrow is a brand new day and I’m ready to just say F*ck it again.

 

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All over the place

It’s so weird, the more I try to be more positive, the more negative vibes come my way. People are so complicated, I have decided to just forget about people that only care about themselves and want to be the center of attention. I’m over it.

I have a problem. It’s anxiety. It just happens to me. Some people don’t understand and make it worse.

I have another problem. It’s not being brave enough to be assertive and stand my ground. I have let people push me my whole life. I have said countless times that I would now be more assertive and complain less about people who push me around. I need to be in control.

I have failed. I know its only January, but I am getting so unhappy. I know I will not be everybody’s cup of tea, but I also don’t deserve to be treated that way. People think I’m oblivious, but I’m not stupid. I’m quiet for a reason. I’m observing.

I’m on the outside looking in.

I need help. I’ve decided to get help. I want to talk to someone about my anxiety. I just don’t know where to start. I know what I have to do, but how do you tell your family that you need help?

I just have so many things bottled up and they’re affecting my life.

 

 

When push comes to shove

Last night, I broke down crying. Last night, it seemed like the pain would never end.

It was an overwhelming sense of desperation and fear. This year is supposed to be a year where I stop trying and start doing. Yesterday, realization hit that I would probably have to put a lot of plans on hold.

Last night, I relied on music and wine to soothe the ache.

Everything can be fine and then instantly everything can feel like it’s crashing down. I’m thankful to have the support of my family, but last night, I felt so alone.

The sacrifices I am going to have to make will be intense, the things I’ll have to give up, just so that things can get better. I keep telling myself it’s going to be okay but deep down inside, I’m worried that I’ll be giving up the best years of my life.

It was poor planning, it was poor decision making, I know I should have saved, I know I should have prepared better. I could blame society, our education system, I could place the blame on everyone else but me. I just know that there were things I could have done to reduce student debt. The stress is unbearable. I’m 25 years old and I feel like I just aged instantly.

Last night, I gave up my youth. I’ve become a modern day slave. Working to earn my keep, working to pay off this debt. This is what is done to countless of other people like me. Those who come from working families who wanted to send their children to school, families who have sick parents. When dreams and goals get blocked by greed. It’s a sad sad day. I am thankful, I will have help. But what about those who will have no help?

Last night, my end goal was put on hold, in order to pay off the beginning of that goal.

 

 

 

But I don’t want to sound stupid…

For those of you reading this, you may not know this but I hate asking questions. Okay, not hate but it causes me great discomfort to raise my hand, to knock on a door, to question my own abilities and what not. I’ve never been big on asking questions or stating the answers. I just never like speaking out loud. I don’t know why. I just don’t.

Unfortunately, this has caused me to miss out on a lot. I never got to know the answers to a lot of things because of my little fear. I missed out on answering a lot of questions and getting that darn participation mark at school. I never learned to properly process my own thoughts out loud.

Well, I have to now. It causes me such pain. I know I’m sounding a bit dramatic but as an introvert and someone who tends to grasp things quite well, I haven’t been having that much luck. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that this whole new work thing and socializing is outside of my comfort zone. Don’t get me wrong, I like actually going to work every day and conversing with my co-workers, but when it comes down to it–I’m really bad at communicating with others. It all sounds great in my head, but when the words come out–yikes!

I begin to stutter, I pause, I give off a blank stare and then get lost in my head where I start to have this little conversation with myself about how dumb I must look, or how they think I must be an idiot or something a long those lines. I become a hot mess.

I’ve had to ask many questions the past few weeks–where is this, how do i do that, where does this go, what does this mean, and will I get better? These things have been coming out of my mouth and I find myself apologizing to my co-workers and other staff about not grasping things as fast as I thought I would. I apologize for asking questions about things I actually don’t know. I find myself having conversations with myself and freaking out about sounding dumb in front of everyone. I need to ask them questions, but I’m scared of looking dumb when in reality I actually need to ask them how to do them or else I’ll never actually know how to. (Sigh)

It’s not that I can’t converse with anyone, I can have conversations with people I have known for awhile, but every time I’m thrown into a new environment I turn into an awkward human who stutters and feels embarrassed all the time. I constantly feel like I’m being judged–even though deep down inside I know I’m not.

Let me put it this way, I’m the type of person to ask my friends on whether my question is good enough to ask out loud–Yes, my fear of public conversation is that bad.

Anyway now with having written all of this, perhaps it’ll get better.

 

It’s been awhile.

Hey,

So I have not been posting anything. I just wanted to share where I’m at and how I’m feeling. It has been a crazy term, I’ve been doing so well and keeping busy. But, because I have been so busy, I haven’t had time to realize how I’m feeling.

So today, I ended up with anxiety. Anxiety is the worst thing ever, it just shows up when it wants to and you do every possible thing to ensure no one sees you’re about to break down. I thought that if I stayed in class, it would force me to be okay. Unfortunately, I ended up feeling suffocated, I could feel that weird gnawing feeling rise up from the pit of my stomach and it got stuck right at my chest. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want anyone to know or see. I had mentioned it to two friends, they knew. I got up and made it to the ladies’ room. I tried to ground myself, I tried to focus on my breathing, I just couldn’t control it.

I know what triggered it. I tried to avoid it from getting worse, but I still ended up in tears.

Everyone assumes I’m always put together and that I could “never” have this because of my work ethic, or because of how happy I am, but I do.

I had one of those days. I’m exhausted. I slept it off and I’ll be ready for a brand new day.