When push comes to shove

Last night, I broke down crying. Last night, it seemed like the pain would never end.

It was an overwhelming sense of desperation and fear. This year is supposed to be a year where I stop trying and start doing. Yesterday, realization hit that I would probably have to put a lot of plans on hold.

Last night, I relied on music and wine to soothe the ache.

Everything can be fine and then instantly everything can feel like it’s crashing down. I’m thankful to have the support of my family, but last night, I felt so alone.

The sacrifices I am going to have to make will be intense, the things I’ll have to give up, just so that things can get better. I keep telling myself it’s going to be okay but deep down inside, I’m worried that I’ll be giving up the best years of my life.

It was poor planning, it was poor decision making, I know I should have saved, I know I should have prepared better. I could blame society, our education system, I could place the blame on everyone else but me. I just know that there were things I could have done to reduce student debt. The stress is unbearable. I’m 25 years old and I feel like I just aged instantly.

Last night, I gave up my youth. I’ve become a modern day slave. Working to earn my keep, working to pay off this debt. This is what is done to countless of other people like me. Those who come from working families who wanted to send their children to school, families who have sick parents. When dreams and goals get blocked by greed. It’s a sad sad day. I am thankful, I will have help. But what about those who will have no help?

Last night, my end goal was put on hold, in order to pay off the beginning of that goal.