Year End Thanks

With only a few days to count down to the new year, I wanted to share things that I have learned and been thankful for this year.

This year solidified my long-term goal. I won’t share too much about that, but this is something that I really want and will continue to work towards. I still have a lot more to learn and there are a few things I need to work on to ensure that I survive what comes next. I need to work on communicating my feelings, my thoughts and frustrations a lot clearer and know that it’s okay to tell people what’s wrong so that I don’t end up drowning in work. In order to contine on this path, I definitely need to build character, but not letting go of trying to be a kind person. So I’m thankful to know that it’s what I really want.

I’m thankful that my family’s health has been on the right track. There have been a few years of stressing out and this year, I have high hopes that it will be okay. Without going into too many details, it’s been really rough not knowing whether everything would be okay. I have definitely gone through some personal struggles trying to cope with it.

I’m thankful for my job. It’s not where I see myself staying long-term but for now, I’m learning more and experiencing a lot of things that I hadn’t before. Again, I have to work on communicating better. I also have to understand that just because I’m new, I shouldn’t let people walk all over me. I don’t have to try and absorb everything so fast and that will get better in time.

I’m thankful for my friends. I don’t have a large group of friends, but the few that I have make me so happy. I love them all for various different reasons, but in the end, they all make my happy. They all have their own personal stories that make me proud of them, they’ve endured their own struggles, they teach me to be a better and braver person. I love them forever.

I will always be thankful for my little family. It has always been us five. We survived a lot of things together. A lot of things that people do not know and probably wouldn’t believe that it happened to us. People call me spoiled, but have no idea as to why I am treated or given things. There have been rough patches with my family–like most families there will be disagreements, frustrations, but at the end of the day, I am happy.

On my Own

So it’s been about a week since I’ve written a post! I’ve been taking a few days off to just continue figuring out my life and learning to appreciate myself, my situation and everything around me. I won’t lie it has been hard but there is one thing that I quite have been enjoying which is being alone.

I’ve been spending quite of a few days on my own and it’s been quite interesting. The other day, I actually called up a friend and we talked on the phone which felt really nice to do. Since I’m also quite limited with going out right now since I’m still “funemployed” (not so fun at this point though), I try to just stay home or do things that don’t require too much spending. This limitation has been quite rewarding though. I have learned a bit more about myself so I thought I’d share them with you!

 

  1. I like tea–Yep! I really like tea. There is nothing like sitting staring out a window of a coffee shop and drinking tea. I try to do this more frequently and I just write down my thoughts as I sit there. My thoughts, observations, feelings, I like to jot them down and just embrace the moment of being alone. We all knew I love tea a little too much but I’ve learned to appreciate the taste, the feelings and the comfort of tea.
  2. I know a lot. Okay, so this sounds like a humble brag but I really do know a lot. I’ve spent my whole life learning a bit about everything, so that I could be a well-rounded person which is probably also my downfall at the moment. I like and know a little too much for my own good, which doesn’t allow me to pick one thing. I have so many interests in life that I can’t seem to find my focus which has been a bit detrimental to my success. I know sometimes you really do have to pick one and go with it for a bit. I’m spending a lot of time figuring that out and I really do like where I’m heading, it’s just taking a little longer than usual.
  3. I’ve become more vocal. Even though I’m spending a lot of time on my own, whenever I’m with people, I’ve learned to be more vocal. All my quiet time on my own, allows me to really think about things before speaking them. I still suck a long conversations but I can sorta maintain my confidence in speaking. A downfall is that sometimes I’m too quiet during conversations, I let people say things that are wrong and I need to speak out more. I do enjoy listening to people more than I used to. It allows me to get to understand their thoughts and who they are based on what they say. I guess, it has also made me a bit more judge-y about who I hang with. If you’re saying racist, sexist, or anything remotely disrespectful, I prefer to not speak to you. I know that sounds bad but it’s how I roll these days.
  4. I’ve got a lot going on in my brain. I have been able to do a lot of mental digging. I have thought about my past, what caused me to stunt my own personal growth these days. I know that sounds silly but I’ve looked back at my personal traumas and I’ve been trying to pick out when and where did I change and why. I want to understand myself better and avoid repeating mistakes, avoid bad situations and especially letting go of things that really hurt me. I have a lot going on in here. I guess that’s why sometimes I can’t seem to focus. I need to air all my laundry out and get going with my life.
  5. I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. Although my family can sometimes call me the weakest, the most emotional one and that I really need to control what I cry for. I like to think I’m strong. I’m strong because I’ve endured bullying, endured almost being homeless during high school with my family, I’ve endured family health and personal health problems, I’ve made it through every panic attack, anxiety, even depression. I’m still fighting for what I deserve, what I want and I guess that makes me strong even if somedays I feel like calling it quits
  6. I can’t wait to live on my own. I actually think that once I get a job that pays well and once I start paying of some of my student debt, I will be able to manage on my own. I honestly can’t wait for that. I love my family, I love living with my parents, it really has helped take off a load but I think at some point, I decided that It’s time for me to live my own life. I will obviously spend a lot of time with them but I think it’ll help me grow a lot more being on my own.

So here are some of the self-reflecting moments I’ve had recently. I don’t know what it is but I really enjoy my downtime. For example, right now I’m alone in my room while wearing a face mask (though this will be posted tomorrow morning). I sat here feeling inspired to share with you what has been going on in my brain for the last few weeks. I know it may not seem much to some but to me, it is making all the difference to understand myself, what makes me tick, what makes me happy and what I plan to do.

Thanks for reading!

Saturday Morning Thoughts

Okay, technically it’s almost noon but to be fair, I stayed up really late last night watching Mockingjay Part 1 with my family so I slept in. And by the time this has been posted it will probably be 12:30….sorry!

Every morning, I try to sit on my bed for a few minutes and look out the window. I don’t know why I like to do this lately, but I just sit on my bed and stare and think. Sometimes I don’t even think at all. I just let my mind wander. Some days, I write what I’m feeling in my journal but today I decided to share it with all of you.

Today, I decided to focus on how I feel on all levels. I want to share where I’m at. This way perhaps you guys can see something in me that I haven’t yet. I’m basically writing to you while I think, so it might be all over the place.

Physically, I feel sore. I worked out intensely yesterday so my glutes and shoulders are sore. I’ve decided to try this new workout regiment that focuses on 15 minutes of intense movement with short breaks in between, so far I think It’s working. I like how I feel after working out. I feel re-energized. I think sticking to a work out regiment is really helping me feel like I’m in control of my life and what I do. I feel like an adult who is trying hard to balance being healthy but also ready to take on the tasks of when I start working fully again. Plus there are a few other benefits, like oh my belly is looking flatter!! 😀 (BONUS!!)

Mentally, I feel alright. I don’t feel stressed, I don’t feel worried. I think I’m always mentally exhausted. This comes from thinking way too much. I have that problem or blessing. I don’t know, you decide. Lately, I’ve decided that there are things I cannot control and that is okay. I control how I react to them. For example, I got a rejection email the other day and I said “Fine, I didn’t want the job anyway and something else will come along”. It seems a little aggressive when you read it like that but I just laughed it off and felt a lot better. Something will come along that I will be happy to get but before that I have to go through small little obstacles and reality checks. I’m okay with that, it just means I still have a nice break to relax and figure out who I am. It’s like dating, you have to sometimes date sucky guys in order to find that one that doesn’t suck. I’m so great with words, aren’t I?

Emotionally, I think I am great. I feel quite balanced most days. Other days, I do have a sense of anxiety wash over me and I just curl up into a ball but then I tell myself that it’s okay and I just breathe or cry it out. I then feel a lot better for a few days and I think I’m starting to get a better grip on my anxiety. I have heard my mom talking to my dad that she worries that I’ll get depressed and we’ve talked about keeping busy so that I don’t but I don’t think that would be possible. I feel defeated at times but I think I’ve got it down to just push myself harder. I think that’s why I like working out a lot because it keeps me going and happy. The more I work out, the better I feel. Perhaps I also need to find a way to hang with friends but no one really texts me so I just hang alone or with my mom which works for me cause lately it’s just us two anyway.

Spiritually, I feel balanced. Some days, I am hopeful and happy and feeling whole. Others, I feel empty but in a way that makes me question and wonder. I like this feeling of questioning everything because when it’s answered you just feel like you’ve witnessed a little miracle in your personal life and its a secret between you and your thoughts. Everyday I do try to stay positive and hopeful. Sometimes I do get agitated and can be quite irritable but I try to fix that right up. No one likes an irritated and easily agitated person. That’s where I focus on calming myself down. I think focusing on my beliefs and my thoughts really helps sometimes.

You’re probably thinking this is quite a random post, I just thought I’d share where I’m at in my life. Today is an absolutely stunning day, the weather is crisp but comforting. I woke up with a smile on my face and now I know today will be a good day.

Happy Saturday!

4 Walls

It’s another rainy day in Vancouver. I don’t mind the rain. You either go outside and continue on with your life or you stay confined by four walls. I’m alone in here, listening to some Boyce Avenue while I organize my room and get rid of things I no longer need. I decided to take a break and wonder about my four walls. What have they seen, what have they heard, you know the saying “if walls could talk”….

I decided to think about what my walls would say and it got downright intense.

My walls would be angry at me for taking out my anger on them sometimes. For throwing things at them when I get frustrated. For leaning on them when I’m crying. For making them listen to me.

My walls would express annoyance of my constant poking it with pictures, paintings, posters, changing the identity from beige to yellow to artsy to blank. You could say my walls have multiple personalities. Some days they’ll provide a positive outlook with quotes of inspiration, other days they are a blank space, just staring at me with no expression.

My walls are dented, damaged, there are patches of where I’ve tried to cover up the damage but yet remain so visible. My walls have scars thanks to me.

My walls have seen every side of me. They would tell you about what they have seen–days of weakness, sadness, depression, success, happiness. If my walls could talk, it would tell you about how many nights I’ve cried over broken hearts, how I’ve whispered to myself that everything would be okay. My walls would tell you that I sing too loud. Or that I sometimes converse with myself like I’ve lost it because I felt so alone or it would tell you that I really need to work on my timing for presentations. They’ve even seen me work out–they’ve seen every inch of my insecurities.

My walls have seen my good days, my bad days, my weird days. If my walls could talk…they would tell you so much. Only they’ve seen the real person. It’s a good thing that they can’t talk…