Where I’m At

You think I may have forgotten about blogging, but in all honesty, I just haven’t had any time. I’m that friend who says we should hang out, but never actually makes it out. That is my life right now.

I have been working Monday to Friday, I am taking two online classes (oh, right, I should mention that I’m enrolled in the Paralegal program…) and I am training for a 10k run.

The year has just started and I’m pretty swamped. At least, that’s how I’ve been feeling. I’m sure I’m handling it better that it feels half of the time. Do you ever just feel like there’s not enough time in a day to get through everything you need to? Sometimes I wish there were two of me, but then that is also weird and probably freak a lot of people out.

I wish I had more time for writing, or at least actually put more effort into writing. I wish I had a lot more time to do other things. I haven’t baked or done any crafting in so long. I miss doing some of my things. I hope things slow down soon, so I can do more things I enjoy.

I went out today for some personal time off. It was nice and sunny, although Vancouver is still pretty cold, it was fantastic. My sister and I explored the Tsawwassen area and found a cute little area to watch the ferries come and go.

I hope to write some more things soon. I have to go study for a final now.

xoxo

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Hey!

As you know, I have not been active for quite some time. I have been having a bit of writer’s block. I have also been extremely busy adjusting to the ever-changing work environment I have been in.

There hasn’t been anything exciting happening in my life, so I guess there hasn’t been anything to share. But, it also got me thinking, why should I have to share things with you, when things are actually happening to me? Why can’t I just come here and talk to you about what isn’t happening in my life? Of course, there are some things that are coming up that I am excited for, but lately, I have been living a low-key life.

Just go to work, work-out, bake some cakes, volunteer and save up for a few upcoming trips.

Do you ever feel like that’s all you got? Work and sleep. Work and sleep? It’s repetitive. You constantly ask yourself if you’re happy, or if you will be happy at some point.

I probably sound depressing or sad. I have been quite sad. It’s the never-ending circle of work and paying bills.

I do have a few things to look forward to and I have made a few decisions to progress in my career, but I hope they make me happy in the long run.

Well, I hope I wasn’t too much of a debbie-downer.

Until next time.

Conversations with myself

Sometimes I do get restless and other times I feel secured.

11 different schools and many different homes,

unpacked boxes filing storage, just in case we’d have to go again.

There were new faces, new names and then there was me.

I remained unchanged. Curious, Skeptical, Unsure.

I got used to being a drifter. I never got attached to anything or anyone.

It’s been 6 years and here I am, same old place, same old people.

I’m feeling a little restless, but you’re the only thing that makes sense.

I want roots like you do, a history, not small little memories of what used to be

where I used to be and how I used to be.

Sometimes I do feel restless thinking about how much I want this.

I remain unchanged. I’m still curious, still skeptical and still unsure.

I have boxes, just in case that we get caught in that whirlwind all over again.

Lack of experience, unprepared for the real world

So I’m writing this to you while I sip on my raspberry mint lemonade, I got lost in my thoughts and decided to share. 

If you’ve read many of my posts, they’ve all been filled with regret, with sadness and perhaps with a bit of disappointment in myself. You all know that I haven’t been happy with who I have been and with all the things I missed out on. So I decided to think about how I got here and what led me to be in this position. And it all comes down to one thing, inexperience

I went through a lot in my childhood, I went to 11 different schools, personal trauma that you couldn’t even think of. Yes, there was a lot of instability in my life and perhaps I tried really hard to ensure that nothing I did now was far from unstable but here I am, writing to you about how nothing seems to feel right. I’m inexperienced at life. You could say “no one is ever really ready for life” and I may agree with that but to some degree, I blame myself. 

I can handle pressure, I can handle stress, I can handle change but I’m still not ready for things. I get anxiety at the thought of being an adult, responibilities. I blame myself for not standing my ground, I should have done more things when I was younger. I have been so dependant of my parents, I let them take care of me, they want to and it has been great but at the same time, I feel like I’ve held back.

I don’t know how a lot of things work. I feel embarrassed to say this but I know, all of you, who read this, won’t judge me. You provide guidance and comments that help. I’m trying so hard to be independent but I keep making mistakes. I keep falling on my face. I pick myself up but I keep facing obstacles and I’ll try really hard to do it on my own but I just keep messing up. I don’t want to disappoint my parents. I’ve been careful my whole life, but when it comes to the real world. I know nothing. I’m smart. I’ve been so focused on my academics, I forgot about real world skills. 

I’m not talking about cooking, cleaning and all of that but more of making sure I don’t get sucked into an awful job, walking with confidence, talking about how I really feel to people. I feel like this blog allows me to do that but I don’t want to feel so afraid doing it all out there. I keep thinking and telling myself, if only I had gone on that school trip, if I had been allowed to do that, perhaps I would have a thicker skin, be more courageous, be more assertive. I try to surround myself with people who are, so that maybe it rubs of on me. So far, I notice a slight change in me but I still feel so unprepared. 

Has anyone else ever felt this way? 

Anyway, thank you for taking time to read this again.