So this year, I have been on quite the journey. It has been a really intense journey and the year isn’t even up yet but I feel like I can share this with you now.
This year I have seen myself walk across the stage and earn my criminology degree, I have finally looked in the mirror and respected and valued what I saw. I also have seen failure and moments of doubt–I have had a growing experience.
I have faced quite a few personal obstacles such as financial problems, self-doubt and a bit of depression. You might think I’m being dramatic but I’m not. Of course, I know that I still have been better off than some people who clearly don’t have a roof over their heads, food on their tables and a permanent support system. I didn’t face that this year but I have in the past.
But because I haven’t faced any of it this year doesn’t mean it hasn’t crossed my mind. I was afraid this year, afraid of just being a complete failure, of not finding my way back to where I once was. I was completely shattered with all those rejection letters, I really thought I wouldn’t get out of the slump. Until someone told me, it was only temporary as long as I kept trying.
This year, I see it as a major adventure. Not only did I have really bad moments but I also had really good ones. I’ve seen my favourite bands in concert, I have gone to Mexico, I learned that all these skills that I have I can use–I don’t have to pick just one.
The most important thing I have learned is to love myself. I learned to love myself by looking at all the things I learned this year, by my failures and success, from what I lost to what I gained.
I may have not handled myself well in the past and sometimes I can still be bratty and irritable when I don’t get my way but it doesn’t last that long. I get over it. This year I learned patience. I learned that you CAN have it all, you just have to work hard and it will come. I learned that even when others are giving you their options, you don’t have to take it. It’s your life and you choose the way you want to live it.
I was reunited with an old dream. I’ve been accepted back into school, I will be studying to be an LAA (legal administrative assistant) and then hope to become a paralegal. Right now, I’m focusing on the LAA program. My problem in the past is I over planned and under accomplished. I spent so much time planning for the future that I didn’t focus on the present. I don’t want to do that again.
I’ve been reunited with my confidence–I had lost my passion for clothes, makeup, making singing videos and just smiling and having no shame in anything that I do.
These days I find myself smiling at myself when I look in the mirror, I like who I am. I’m proud of what I have endured in my 24 years. I see my potential, I see who I am and where I am going. I feel re-aligned and reassured that my future is what I want it to be because of what I’m currently doing.
I love who I surround myself with. I love seeing my family and friends grow as individuals. I don’t get all jealous when my friends are succeeding rather I am the happiest person. I love seeing them become successful, finding love, finding their dream job, travelling, growing, etc. I have friends who get me, who tell it like it is, who make me laugh, who make me continue my dreams. They let me be me.
I’m not giving up on my dreams, I’m not giving up the fight. I love myself enough to continue fighting for what I dreamed of as a little kid. I’ve got this because its love.
I don’t know what these next two months have left in store for me but I honestly accept the challenge. I accept it and I am ready to take it on. I’m ready for that job, ready for that “I survived” moment, I’m just ready.