I always wondered what falling in love would be like. Would it a slow gentle fall like leaves falling from the trees or would it be abrupt and explosive? I knew love was out there; there is proof of it everywhere. What I didn’t know is how easily one can fall out of love. To be honest, I always had this idea of what love should be and how it should be felt. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t follow my own rules and ideals about it. When I was in high school, I thought I was in love many times but what did I know about love? I only learned about love from what I had read in my classic novels, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, The Great Gatsby, Little Women, I can even admit that Twilight made me have certain ideas about what love could be. The thing in common with most of these books is that the characters are usually falling in love. Love is end game. It’s what makes the world go round. It should always win, right? So I guess I figured, I would always have to find a way to be in love. But you know what, falling out of love is another great story on its own. All along, I needed to be in love with one person, one that works hard, knows about failure, success, and pain. I fell out love with people that I thought I needed and fell in love with the right person. Me.
So this morning, it’s raining really hard which is definitely a blessing because of all the forest fires and our water levels being so low. So I’m super thankful for that. As you all know (or if you didn’t) lately I’ve been in the gutters, feeling gross and wallowing in self-pity for days. I lost all motivation, which is quite rare for me. I like to stay motivated and busy. Anyway, I had a “sucky” week. I cried a lot. I barely slept or I slept too much. I had a bad attitude, until yesterday. Yesterday, I cried but the good kind. The one where someone questions you about what you want and it’s the “I want this more than anything” cry. Okay, so maybe some of you don’t have that cry, maybe its a yell or some other form of expression. The point is, I cry. I cry when I’m super happy, super sad, super angry. But this was a different cry, this was the “I’m going to work super hard to get where I want to be because I want it more than anything” cry. And it felt so good. It felt really good. I woke up this morning feeling better, I worked out, I voiced my opinion (out loud) about a topic that is true to my heart (the anti-feminist movement) and well, here I am sharing it with you.
In our world, if you don’t have “the right” or the “majority” opinion, you are either made fun of or feel the need to never say anything for the fear of rejection and ridicule. For the longest time, I just felt like my opinion didn’t matter and that it was better to not be heard because I could be wrong. And we all know, I don’t like being wrong. Well, I learned that your allowed to have an opinion and it doesn’t necessarily have to be right or wrong. It’s just an opinion. It’s right for you but it could be wrong for someone else. We each are our own little world and we dominate our own little world, so when someone comes in and tries to rule, we get defensive. It’s life.
So today, I woke up deciding it was time for me to be heard. I’ve decided that I am actually smart and full of opinions and ideas that I want heard. I consider myself a well-rounded person, I found out who I am and who I want to be. I am a christian, feminist, sister, daughter, forever student, pet lover, singer, writer, dancer, reader, adventurer, future lawyer (no matter how long it takes me)and whatever else I pick up along the way. And that each of those have an opinion…and it was about time that they were heard.
There will always be a voice in the back of our heads, saying we shouldn’t, that we can’t or that we will never. But theres also THAT voice that says you can and you should let it be heard…or else you’ll end up in a week of suck…(or maybe that was just me)…but in all seriousness, don’t let others dictate your voice, just remember make sure your opinion is valid…whatever that means. Just don’t hurt others, spread hate or stupidity with your opinion (There is way too much of that in the world)
Maybe I got so used to getting everything and succeeding at everything. There was nothing I could not do.
Lately, it’s just fail after fail. It’s an eye opener because I guess that’s real life. I can’t even get into programs these days. I just don’t feel like my usual self.
I put on a smile. I go out. I try to have fun but all this is digging a hole in my brain and embedding itself deeper and deeper. I just can’t seem to shake it off. I’m honestly not as happy as I want to be. I feel disappointed and I want to believe that I can do it.
I just need a sign. I work hard every day to reach my goals and use all I’ve got. I just don’t know what else to do.
“I don’t want to be a little kid, I want to be treated like a grown up”
Those words probably came out of my mouth more time than I can recall. It’s funny to look back at those days and realize, those days have come and gone. Lately, things have started to change in my life. I am working full-time and still working my way through figuring out where life will take me and what will be of my career. I’m clearly still finding my way of course and trying to figure out what I will do for the rest of my life. You’d think that finishing off my degree would provide me with a job right off the bat but that didn’t happen. I know it will. But that wasn’t the point of this blog. Lately, I’ve been feeling more like an adult. It’s been a weird change, I mean I’ve been of legal age for a while now but when you’re in school, you still feel different. Nowadays, I have to wake up and go to work. No choice. I’ve noticed the change, I see myself making sure I have enough for gas, for bills and for food. Of course, I still take the time to have fun but it feels different. I didn’t think I would feel this different in just a few months and weeks. I have a long way to go still, I obviously still live at home but even then, the change is noticeable. I’ve been asked if i’ll move out soon or that I should move out but I don’t necessarily feel economically secure to do that. Some people leave home and then come back because of the cost. I don’t want to do that. I want to be fully secure and independent to do that.
It’s been so weird. I’m appreciating the days when I get to take a break. I even have plants in my room now. Even what I read has changed. Well, more like evolved because I will always read my classics but lately I’m reading more thought provoking reads. I feel great. I even lost weight. I actually went back to my normal size-self which is a 10. I’m happy about that. I hadn’t been a 10 since high school. I slowly gained so much weight, the biggest size I’ve been is 16 and it made me unhappy. I slowly started taking better care of myself and to have lost that much weight in a few years makes me happy. I feel like I started to care more about my well-being rather than being skinny.
Like I mentioned, I still have a long way to go before being a full functioning adult but I mean, I already know what it feels like to have your car die on the freeway….thanks for my parents coming to my rescue! (I forgot to apply for my triple A membership…oops!). I’m still learning. I already can see how much costs. Gosh, when did things get so expensive. haha. Anyway…
I feel good, somewhat tired because work is brutal. I miss school on most days, I actually plan to go back…of course, I need to save up for that…oh, and also a trip somewhere nice.
Well, just thought I’d let you all know that I’m feeling like an adult now.
It’s so amazing how this short phrase, this small word, could start a whirlwind of events. It can do so much for us. It can be a small simple exchange between strangers; it could be the only word two long-distances lovers can say. It can also be a cold gesture between used-to be friends or lovers. It can be the start to a story, you never saw unfolding.
But let me begin mine, it started with those simple words. “Hi”. I remember that day because it made such an impact on me. How could a stranger make such an impact? It could have been because we were the only two in the gym that day. He probably thought I was bored out of my mind working alone with no one in sight. He walked in, so tall, so handsome with a genuine smile. He was ready to take on his workout. He didn’t have to talk to me, he could have continued in after saying “hi”. But he didn’t, throughout his workout, we continued having a small conversation. It was simple, short and honest. In the end, he asked if I was going to some fundraiser that the team was hosting. I remember texting my friends saying he asked me to go and they told me to go. Of course, I didn’t. I know, what was I thinking? I wonder back on that day, all those “what ifs” run through my mind. I knew then and I know now, I should have gone.
You’re probably thinking and wondering if this is one of those stories where “girl meets guy and guy gets girl”, but it’s not always that simple. Or is it? Maybe I’m just telling myself that because I don’t want to sound like I screwed up something…but what if there was nothing? You see my dilemma? Sometimes weird things happen before, in between and after stories, because we get so tangled in these lovey-dovey stories that we hope for it. I’m guilty of it. Super guilty. I’ve been told I have unrealistic expectations of love and romance. You’ve seen the low-budget films or the Hollywood movies; we all want that story of “this is how we met”…. I sincerely probably, could have had it. I still want it. Yes, I am regretting missing out on this opportunity.
Let me ask you this question? Have you ever met someone who engraved themselves into your heart and mind? Because those are the ones I like to keep around. This was him. He was a mystery to me, a stranger who I knew only because the gym was having a slow day. A guy, I would say hi to once and awhile in the hallways of our college but that was it. I didn’t realize how much of an impact he had made in my life until recently. I mean, I dated and crushed on so many guys in between. I don’t even know now, if it’s because I like him or crush on him or admire him that I still think of him. Anyway, you’re probably, sitting there laughing or feeling bad about my regret. It wasn’t till I woke up this morning that I realized this guy probably means a lot to me more than I suspect. A few months ago, we talked quite a bit. It wasn’t much. It was a lot of school talks and helping edit his papers but why would I think that it meant so much more than that. And now, just dead silence. I’m honestly confused. The past few months, I’ve had recurring dreams where he shows up. I’ve had crushes again in between then and now, so there is something about him. Sometimes I feel like I’ve gone crazy or you might be thinking that I’m obsessed or something. I honestly don’t know. I remember getting butterflies at some point, but now it’s like a memory, regret, I don’t know what it is. I cannot wrap my finger around it.
I just wish I knew. And it all started with a simple “Hi”. I don’t know what will happen and I don’t know where this will go but there’s nothing like a little mystery to keep me on my toes. I wish I could have said yes, we got together. This is our story but I don’t even know the end or if it has even begun.