We all have struggles, they’re all different. Some times we are dealt a crappy card deal. Some times you can have it all. The most important thing about dealing with success and with struggles is your behaviour and attitude. At some point, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, other times you really need an ego check.
Since June, I’ve had a major reality check. I went from being super confident, super ready to downright upset and curling up into a ball most days. I was a disaster. These few months I have been reflecting on the life that I want, I’ve had and the one I am currently living. I have looked at how I have acted and sometimes it’s just embarrassing. I have carried myself poorly on some occasions, while on other days there was hope.
These past few days, I have been writing (in my journal) about things I have learned and things that have changed. There are a lot of things that I still need to work on. For example, bravery. I’m not as brave as I thought I was when it comes to certain things. I’m not brave enough to face certain problems. I’ll keep these to myself though. I know now when to ask for help. I’m not too big on telling people when I’m upset or hurting but when I do, I have a great support group or that one person who just listens. I’ve been told I’m strong. I can be, I’ve had to be but sometimes you can’t always be strong, you’re allowed to show that you are human. THIS has been my problem. I have always wanted to show how strong I am, how smart, how motivated but behind all this was and sometimes there is a scared individual who is ashamed of her anxiety, afraid of failure, afraid of rejection (to some degree).
Emotions, I need to keep those in check. I need to let logic take control sometimes and not be driven too much by how I feel.
I learned that it’s okay to be lost and confused. Like I have mentioned before, I always had a plan. I had certain goals, certain things that I was going to. I was a major planner. I had planned my whole life out. Life doesn’t work that way.
Newton’s Third Law applies to this: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Basically, every action I was taking in my life, something else was changing. What I thought would make me happy was actually taking a toll on me, on my personal life, on my mental health. I was spending so much time planning out my future that my whole world just decided to take a moment and stop. At first, I was so pissed off that everything I had worked for, those countless hours of studying, hours of volunteering, refraining from partying and drinking and going out for all of it, didn’t pan out. The past few days, I realized I have learned a lot more about myself the past few months than I ever did while I was in school. I was too focused on school to think about WHO I WAS. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to plan your life out, sometimes it works for others but when you solely focus on one thing and shut out all your other dreams and goals, you get a mass disaster within your mind. The pressure just builds up and it no longer makes you happy. I was too focused on the future, I didn’t think of the present, I focused on how happy I WAS going to be rather than HOW happy I AM NOW working on my future.
Yesterday, I came full circle. I made a decision to return to my original plan to work smart and get there. I already have had to endure the hardest part which was figuring out my life. To figure out who I am, what I like, what I want to do. Rather than planning these past few months, I just decided to let it run its course. And guess what, I went on vacation (I didn’t plan this, it just happened), I’ve lost weight (I plan my workouts but I let it be a part of me, not something I HAVE TO DO), I see my friends a bit more which usually never happened, I communicate with my parents, I’m feeling sure of myself. I am feeling better, I’m starting to see clearly. I did stuff this summer that reminded me of what I actually want. I was a security guard, it made me realize, I didn’t want to be a police officer or a jail guard. I know what I want now. I’m not saying that because I know now, things won’t change. Things always change. I just have to be reminding myself to control how I react. You can’t control other people and what they think of you, you can’t control not getting into grad school, etc.
Now, I still don’t have a job yet but things are starting to look up. I learned that you can only control how you deal with a situation. I have learned it’s not THAT YOU TRY but HOW. I am learning to stop making excuses for myself as to why and move on.
Life is Newton’s Third Law. But how you deal with it, is what matters most. Just keep moving forward even when life tries to pull you back.