The problem with love 

I’ve never had a way with words,

I’ve always let my actions speak for me.

I’ve also never been the type to let people in easily, 

I’m not saying I let you in easily. It has been a constant struggle. I battled with myself and then it hit me. I just let you have it. It slowly creeped in. 

You still do. You still have it.

I always wanted to feel this way. Always. It’s a beautiful feeling. Everything seems perfect. When you’re around, I can’t help but feel alive and happy. You add to my wholeness. 

But what never occurred to me is that when I was handing it over, 

You weren’t giving anything back. Or maybe you were. I guess I’ll never know.

I guess this is the problem. And now here I am, asking for it back. Please return to sender. Because now it just hurts. 

I didn’t even realize it. Now here I am writing it, pleading for mercy. 

Maybe you had intentions in the beginning, or maybe I had it all wrong. There’s never really a right or wrong, is there? I guess my timing was off, perhaps I fooled myself into believing it could be real. 
I could go over this, all day. Spin the ideas, the what-ifs, but at the end of the day, you still have all of my love. 
And even if I made it clear or obvious, it may have not been to you at all.

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Year End Thanks

With only a few days to count down to the new year, I wanted to share things that I have learned and been thankful for this year.

This year solidified my long-term goal. I won’t share too much about that, but this is something that I really want and will continue to work towards. I still have a lot more to learn and there are a few things I need to work on to ensure that I survive what comes next. I need to work on communicating my feelings, my thoughts and frustrations a lot clearer and know that it’s okay to tell people what’s wrong so that I don’t end up drowning in work. In order to contine on this path, I definitely need to build character, but not letting go of trying to be a kind person. So I’m thankful to know that it’s what I really want.

I’m thankful that my family’s health has been on the right track. There have been a few years of stressing out and this year, I have high hopes that it will be okay. Without going into too many details, it’s been really rough not knowing whether everything would be okay. I have definitely gone through some personal struggles trying to cope with it.

I’m thankful for my job. It’s not where I see myself staying long-term but for now, I’m learning more and experiencing a lot of things that I hadn’t before. Again, I have to work on communicating better. I also have to understand that just because I’m new, I shouldn’t let people walk all over me. I don’t have to try and absorb everything so fast and that will get better in time.

I’m thankful for my friends. I don’t have a large group of friends, but the few that I have make me so happy. I love them all for various different reasons, but in the end, they all make my happy. They all have their own personal stories that make me proud of them, they’ve endured their own struggles, they teach me to be a better and braver person. I love them forever.

I will always be thankful for my little family. It has always been us five. We survived a lot of things together. A lot of things that people do not know and probably wouldn’t believe that it happened to us. People call me spoiled, but have no idea as to why I am treated or given things. There have been rough patches with my family–like most families there will be disagreements, frustrations, but at the end of the day, I am happy.

this christmas

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So it’s my favourite time of year – lights shining bright, sweet-smelling homes, frosty toes and all the delicious food. There’s no other holiday that makes me smile. I enjoy all things Christmas — well, maybe not how busy malls can be and the rude attitudes of some people. Either way, Christmas brings me so much joy.

I spend hours making cards, making cookies and perfecting our household decorations. Every year, I try to beat the year before. As I’ve gotten older though, christmas means different things to me. It means more time with my family and my friends. Every one has grown in so many different ways – some have travelled, some have started families, others have left us.

Anyway, I wanted to share some things that make my Christmas special:

  1. Crafting – I’m obsessed with making my christmas cards for my friends. I like to make every single one with details that make me think of them. I love spending time on the details, what I will write in them and my favourite part is when they let me know they’ve recieved them. I’m the corniest person you’ll ever meet, so I’ll probably write something sappy or annoyingly lame.
  2. Decorating – As I started a new job with my own desk, christmas meant something different to me. I, not only got to decorate my room or my house, my desk was another space that I enjoyed decorating. Our department decided to decorate in the most wonderful way. Our theme was winter wonderland. Snowflakes, lights, and smiles. The reaction we received was positive, there’s nothing like seeing people light up over something so simple. I’m obsessed with decorating!Processed with VSCO with a5 preset
  3. Baking – I cannot wait to start baking. It’s a problem. I will bombard my family and friends with baked goods. From gingerbread men, sugar cookies to rice krispy squares. Sometimes cakes and sometimes pies. I love to bake, there’s nothing like holiday baking. I could do this for days!
  4. Adventures – The holidays are never short of fun things to do. Although, some can be pricey, my favourite adventure of all time is seeing people decorate their homes. I love driving around and seeing how people will go above and beyond. I also enjoy going to different malls or parks with lit up trees. I have an obsession with Christmas trees. I love them! In Vancouver, there are so many things to do. We have a Christmas Maze, Christmas Markets, Christmas scenes. There’s always something to do for everyone. I love it!

    Processed with VSCO with a5 preset
    Processed with VSCO with a5 preset
  5. Parties – The one thing I enjoy about the holidays is our annual christmas party at my house. It’s a recently new tradition but there’s nothing like the company of my closest friends, playing games and eating everything in sight!

I’m such a goof when it comes to Christmas. I know I haven’t written in awhile, but I wanted to share what I love most about Christmas. It’s just the happiness of sharing joy with others. It’s the comfort of my knits and sweaters. The sweetness of hot cocoa and baked goods. The smile of children when they see Santa. This Christmas, I hope to spread joy. I hope to make it the best one yet.

xoxo

My first bucketlist

I just wanted to share that it’s such a beautiful day today! I’ve been sitting on my bed just admiring how gorgeous it is. I have had such a productive morning–I’m trying to build good habits still and just have some sort of routine. I started cleaning my room and came across a lot of my old journals. I actually found my first journal ever. It’s one of those fuzzy leopard print ones…yeah be jealous.

Anyway, I was reading through some of the entries and I actually came across my first bucket list ever. So I figured I’d share that little entry with you and talk about whether I’ve accomplished those goals and if they match up to ones I have now.

So I’m going to type it out on here rather than show a picture of it because it is quite faded. A reminder I was 13 years old when I first wrote this, and I was also experiencing my first crush and so this list was created to keep myself in check.

August 8th, 2003

“…we’d go on lots of dates, it’s so great, but it’s only in dreams, because I want to study, get a good job with chemicals working at NASA and having a Chevy Trail Blazer….I want to play the saxophone…These are my wishes and goals:

  1. become more smarter, study harder, think harder, less playing
  2. become a chemist and work at NASA–study more
  3. Get a Chevy Trailblazer with a CD player, cool lights, 7 passengers in blue–work harder, earn lots of money
  4. Buy my parents a car and house –earn and save lots of money
  5. make my parents proud
  6. make it into space
  7. When all of this is done, I’ve learned everything. I still want to be single.
  8. Go to Europe to study more

Sincerely,

Me”

I was hilarious…just kidding. Okay, so even at 13 I had this ‘work hard, study hard’ mentality. And I guess, I was always a keener. I assume that I will always be a keener. So let me break this down now. I still believe in studying hard, but I don’t believe in “playing less”. I actually do want more fun in my life, I think it helps balance out my work hard mentality, plus we deserve a break after accomplishing so many things every day.

The whole “become a chemist and work at NASA” was short lived, because shortly after I wanted to become a marine biologist, a volcanologist, seismologist, and a whole lot more. There was a trend as to why I wanted to be all of these things. I just thoroughly enjoyed research, and I believe I’m now on the right track to do just that.

I don’t want a Chevy Trailblazer anymore. I was very specific to what I wanted back then and I still am. I already have a car, but my next two shall be awesome as well. I still want a CD player in my car, btw.

Oh number four, this will always be something I want to do for my parents. They have given me so much and I hope one day, I can do just that for them. I still try to make them proud, they say they are, but I still want to do anything to continue making them proud.

Haha, space…go into space…yikes. This still might be something I wouldn’t mind doing, but I don’t know how I feel about it.

Oh number 7, this hilarious. How does a 13-year-old even say this…perhaps I was telling myself my own future. I don’t necessarily know where I stand on this on most days. Some days, I’m all I don’t want to be single, other days I’m all for the ‘single life for me is just fine’. Again, I haven’t finished accomplishing my goals, but I also don’t mind accomplishing them alongside another person. Either way still works for me. I was just talking to one of my friends the other night, and we talked about this stuff. I know I want to be self-sufficient before I can involve another person in my life. Apparently I wanted to be single forever. (LOL) SMH

Number 8 has changed. I still want to go to Europe, but to travel and explore…but I guess you can still call it learning…I’d learn so much about the culture, the history, and stuff about myself probably.

This was quite funny to look at. I’m sure I have many more bucket lists throughout every journal I own, but since this was my first one, I wanted to see how much as changed in 12 years and I guess not too much has. Well, physically things changed…if you get what I mean….but I guess my priorities have always been the same. Also, I never learned to play the saxophone…I sing, though.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as my mother and sister did.

It’s been awhile.

Hey,

So I have not been posting anything. I just wanted to share where I’m at and how I’m feeling. It has been a crazy term, I’ve been doing so well and keeping busy. But, because I have been so busy, I haven’t had time to realize how I’m feeling.

So today, I ended up with anxiety. Anxiety is the worst thing ever, it just shows up when it wants to and you do every possible thing to ensure no one sees you’re about to break down. I thought that if I stayed in class, it would force me to be okay. Unfortunately, I ended up feeling suffocated, I could feel that weird gnawing feeling rise up from the pit of my stomach and it got stuck right at my chest. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want anyone to know or see. I had mentioned it to two friends, they knew. I got up and made it to the ladies’ room. I tried to ground myself, I tried to focus on my breathing, I just couldn’t control it.

I know what triggered it. I tried to avoid it from getting worse, but I still ended up in tears.

Everyone assumes I’m always put together and that I could “never” have this because of my work ethic, or because of how happy I am, but I do.

I had one of those days. I’m exhausted. I slept it off and I’ll be ready for a brand new day.