The tower

I always thought I’d be trapped in my tower for years to come,

I had managed to escape a few times, managed to roam free.

Each time I left, I had felt like a bird soaring through the skies

as high as a cloud, loved like a flower in the spring.

But each time I escaped there was always a chain pulling me back,

that freedom I felt didn’t last as long as I wanted it to.

You can still see my hand prints from being dragged into the ground,

pulled farther and farther away from what I wanted. I’m writing to you now

from my tower, this is my plea. I need to find a way out again and never have to come

back unless I choose to. That is all I want, my choice to be my own.

I want to come back to my tower because I feel like it.

My tower is a safe haven when it wants to be, but lately it feels like a room filled with

thorns and fear is hidden amongst its dark corners.

I wear a veil of sadness over my soul, my heart is in constant pain,

my mind goes over and over the same old stories, reliving moments that I have enjoyed.

Pain can be wonderful until it consumes your every fibre of being.

This is my tower, a wondrous place filled with many memories that cause delicious and

torturous pain.

They say you choose the life you live but sometimes its been chosen for you, mine has to

be living in my tower until I find the courage to break free once again.

Quick Lesson on Life

So you all know how I’m working on my writing. I love writing whether it stays private or sharing it with you guys. I’m obviously not quite where I want it to be and I keep experimenting with different writing formats. Some I can easily manage and feel quite proud and then there is one that I just can’t seem to grasp. I know that it isn’t my strongest writing format but I try really hard anyway because I want it to get better. The both times I have done this format haven’t really worked out at all. Some magazines or interviews make it look so easy and perhaps I should have done more research (Okay, I googled it a few times) into how to conduct and write proper interviews. It’s so easy to get discouraged when it doesn’t go your way. When you try to put your thoughts down but they don’t sound how you wanted them to. Or when you had a vision in mind and it just didn’t work out. You begin to doubt yourself and consider whether you are even good and you just want to give up writing completely.

Well, that’s life. You’re not going to be good at everything and shit happens. You’ll feel like shit, discouraged and insecure. But it doesn’t mean you stop. Whether it’s singing, instrument-playing, a certain sport, writing, reading, etc., when you love something you just don’t stop. You keep at it until you feel confident about it.

There will always be people who make you feel like you’re not good enough. And that’s also a part of life. It’s only a problem if you give them the power to make you feel that way. There will be others who give you good criticism and it’s on you to still take it or not and how you let it affect you. I understand there is nothing more frustrating than knowing your work isn’t strong like it should be. It sucks. Sometimes you just got to look at this way, the message of what you wanted to show or say is more important than your ego. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad writer, bad dancer (Hey, my dance teacher in high school told me I walked like a duck…it doesn’t mean I was a bad dancer…I just have bad feet), or whatever else you think you’re bad at. You’re not. Someone out there loves what you do. It could only be just you but that’s okay too. You do things for you anyway so it shouldn’t make you feel bad.

Or you can just completely give up and stick with what you know. Yep, you can take that route too. There is no right or wrong, It’s basically you want it or you don’t. I like to stick with what I know, sometimes I like to try new things out of my comfort zone and it usually ends up being an epic fail but guess what it was new and exciting. You learned a great deal about yourself and your capabilities. How you behave, react, feel about a certain situation. Sometimes it’s just our egos that are hurt but it’ll make you realize a lot about yourself in general. Our ego’s always get hurt, just don’t let it last long. We like it when our ego’s are filled with compliments and success, you feel elated but you get one that you didn’t completely expect, you know what happens. Some people don’t let anything affect them, I like those people, they’re the ones that I want to be like but so far I’m not quite there yet.

Everything you do in life can make you or break you, it depends on which route you want to take.

When the going gets tough…

“Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

This quote. It’s everything. We’re only human. We make mistakes. We believe rock bottom is all we have left. But you know the saying “when one door closes, another one opens”, sometimes it doesn’t feel that way at all. It feels like it’s the end. There is no way out. No little glimmer of light. We feel trapped. It’s normal to feel this way. Sometimes we get ourselves out of it, or sometimes someone makes us realize it. Sometimes quotes, a song, a memory or a past experience is what gets us out of that terrible situation. So I decided to share some of my favourite quotes with you. I figured we all have things that are causing us some form of frustration or hurt. The thing about quotes or a certain lyric is that it is written in a way that can take make interpretations and give advice in so many ways depending on what our personal situation is.

“Don’t let yourself feel worthless: often through life you will really be at your worst when you seem to think best of yourself; and don’t worry about losing your “personality,” as you persist in calling it: at fifteen you had the radiance of early morning, at twenty you will begin to have the melancholy brilliance of the moon, and when you are my age you will give out, as I do, the genial golden warmth of 4 p.m.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit

“There’s a loneliness that only exists in one’s mind. The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is blink.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

“The world only exists in your eyes. You can make it as big or as small as you want”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

“Never allow a person to tell you no who doesn’t have the power to say
yes.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

too short, too loose or weird.

Hey guys,
I hope you are all well. I was writing in my private journal and I realized I had not shared anything with you guys since a few weeks ago. I feel bad that I haven’t been around as much. What I am writing about today is something that has been affecting me personally since puberty but lately, it feels so much concerning. It’s kind of embarrassing. The pressures of society still get to me. And you’ve guessed it. It’s my appearance. It’s not that I’m being fully insecure about it. I think I’m an okay person but lately, I’m overly concerned about how I look and how I feel.

I’ve been feeling ugh about how I look. It’s so stupid really. I’m 24 years old, you’d think by now I wouldn’t care about how I look. But the past week, everything I’ve heard about how appearance matters because that’s the society we live in, made me realize that we’re still stuck. Even if we raise awareness, protest, fight against these standards. The damage is already there. I’m personally affected by it.

I consider myself quite confident in other areas but what’s the point if I don’t like how I feel. I am going through changes, as I am losing weight not to only feel good, but to be healthy and fit for the rest of my life and the career I have chosen as a police officer. But it’s the going to the store and trying things on that really gets me. I find that clothing doesn’t necessarily fit right on me. It’ll be to loose on the waist, too tight, too short or just weird looking. I’m finding myself wanting to only wear my workout gear because I feel so gross in other clothes. It’s so hard. I’ll try to wear something out nice and find myself changing quickly. I go to stores and find that they don’t cater to my size.

I know there is a movement of “loving our bodies” but I don’t think most stores have gotten the memo. It really sucks because it doesn’t help. I know I’m a grown woman now but I think at some point we all try to hide our insecurities but I figured if I talked about mine, it would make it better.

I hope it does. Thank for reading this. ❤

To the person who holds my heart

Dear future person who will hold my heart,

I’m going to be honest with you. I’m afraid. Afraid of giving my heart to someone again. I’ve been hurt and I have hurt. I know you’ll treat me the way I want to treat you. With love, acceptance and honesty. I know I can be complicated. I just have issues trusting and letting people in. It used to be easy. It used to be so natural. But I come to you today and ask of you to understand.

I’m old school with a bit of new school. I like to take care of people. I like to be taken care of. I love my freedom and someone to share it with. That is all I want. I do not want to limit you or you to limit me. I want us to be two old souls. Dancing to music, laughing all the time. I want us to one day sit on a park bench and still feel the exact same way like when we first met. I want the romance. I want that love. The trust. The support. I see my parents and they’ve been through a lot but they’re always together. It’s a beautiful sight.

I don’t want us to keep things to ourselves. I want us to be open and pure. If we fight, lets deal with it then and not go to bed angry or upset. I want to know that we will make it through. I just want us to be happy together.

I never thought I could feel this way. Not again, but in a whole different way. I want you to feel like my equal and I hope you want the same for me. Your motivation will be inspirational, I know with you we will accomplish so much. I want you to know that I’ll take care of you. I’ll treat you with the respect you deserve. I want to make you smile with my weird jokes and awkwardness. Please accept me for who I am–including my flaws which are many. I know you’ll challenge me in a good way. I know with you we will always make it through whatever life throws our way. Dear, I want you to know I’m ready.

Xoxo