It’s real

I’m not one to say it out loud.
I’ll write it down.
I’ll pretend.
I’ll runaway.

Because once I know that when the words leave my mouth,
it’ll be real,
I’ve exposed what I want,
What I’m feeling.
Once they leave, it’s out there.
It can be used against me,
it can be meant for me,
You never know.

Once the words left my mouth,
I knew that everything would change.
Once someone heard what I have said,
it changed me, it changed them,
it changed what we could be.

It’s real now.
It’s terrifying,
It’s thrilling,
It’s tempting,
It’s still real.

Once I said it out loud,
I knew that I couldn’t take it back.
I just knew that what ever happens now,
will leave us all different.
I’m shaking with a bit of hope.
Let’s see where this takes us now.

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In search of the moon

In search of the moon,Where the brightness filled the sky

And I avoided where darkness touched

I looked all around and I still couldn’t find it

In search of the moon,

My eyes wandered 

Catching glimpses of stars 

And silhouettes of others on the same mission as I

In search of the moon,

I gazed upon your eyes

And what I found was 

Exhilarating. 

In search of the moon,

I found you.

And when I found you,

I saw that the moon was trapped in your eyes.

Abuela 

I was 7 years old when we lost you. I remember that dad had gone back home to see if there was anything else he could do. I remember crying a great deal. I saw how sad everyone was and so I became sad. I loved you and still do. I never knew someone could love me as much without ever holding me or seeing me in person. But I knew you loved me because you’d call every birthday, or just to see how we were all doing. They say I look like you. And I don’t mind for the stories I hear about how sweet and kind you were make me proud. You saw the good in everyone. I’m proud to be named after you. I carry a great responsibility and I try to make you proud. I’ll never know what it’s like to be comforted by you, to go shopping with you or go for tea. I won’t know what it’s like to sleepover your house on the weekends. Or to see you during the holidays. I know that you’d be proud of dad and all of his accomplishments. I know you’d tell mom to make sure he stayed levelled. You’d make sure we’d be happy and okay. I miss you everyday. I sometimes get jealous of what others have because I wish I could have had that. Sometimes I’m angry at the world for not allowing me the privilege but then I’m at peace because you’re always on my mind. I miss you even though I never met you. When I see your photograph, all I can do is imagine. 

Abuelo

I was sitting on my bed when I first received news. This is the kind of news no one wants to receive ever. There was a gentle knock on my door. You could hear the quiet breathing from behind the door, trying to gain composure, trying to look brave and seem okay. I never met him personally. I never got to be wrapped around in his arms, I never got to know what it would feel like to sit on his lap during the holidays. But I knew his voice, I knew his face and all the stories in the words of my father. I knew that he wasn’t always the best, that he was harsh, that he was hurtful but I still wanted that chance. I see his face when I look at my father. I don’t see who he was but what he could have been. I may never know what it will feel like to have known him, to have heard the stories of my greats, about futbol and politics. All I know is that he gave me my father. And for that, I’ll always love him too.

Do you even?

Have you ever wondered about all the people that you’ve encountered in your life?

The ones you held short conversations with, the one guy you bumped into at Starbucks,

or that one girl you heard crying in the bathroom and asked if she was okay.

Sometimes I dream about you all. You show up and we’re discussing great things,

other times, we’re just sitting by a pool and having a splendid time. Sometimes you’re comforting me in my dreams,

but you were just a stranger on the street. So how is this possible?

Other nights, you’re hurting me and tormenting my soul because I have no recollection of how we met.

I wonder, do you even think of me?

I was that girl you ran into without apologizing, I was the one who stuttered her words while gazing into your beautiful green eyes. I wonder.

Do you even remember my name?

I know it’s not fair to ask because I don’t remember yours. I don’t remember what you wore but I can remember how you made me feel.

I remember, the smell of your perfume lingering on my coat. I remember that you made me smile when I had tears in my eyes.

I wonder, what you’re all up to. I sometimes see you in my sleep, I hear you in the background, telling me about that trip you took. Do you even remember what we were doing?

Have you ever wondered about the people you’ve encountered the way I wonder about all of you?

I should have told you about the spill on your dress, I should have mentioned that you looked stunning but I was too shy to say it out loud.

Do you even wonder what I was thinking about while I just stared at you blankly while you asked me what size I wanted my drink?

I wonder what you’re all up to and I know you may not think of me but if you do, well, just know I’m thinking of you too.