Pretending 

I’m always too ashamed or embarrassed to tell someone when it happens,

My hands start to tremble but I play it off as being fidgety,

I get this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, I begin to focus on my breathing,

I try to control it, I can control, it won’t control me,

Oh god, I can feel it rising, I can feel it begin to water my eyes,

I pretend to yawn, they can’t see me like this, no… They won’t.

I excuse myself, I’ll do anything to avoid anyone seeing me like this,

I’m alone now, I can either let it go or let it consume me,

I don’t know what to do, should I sleep it off, should I close my door, turn off the lights and let it take me.

Oh god, here it comes, I can’t control it anymore, they say if you focus on one thing and focus on breathing it helps, it can help stop the world from spinning so fast,

Breathe, breathe, breathe

Oh here comes the tears, I’m gasping for air, I hold my pillow closer, it’s not helping…

And sometimes it does, but right now, I just want to curl up and cry. I’ll let you win again. Let’s just pretend I won. 

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