When I look in the mirror…
Okay, let me tell you something first before I even finish that sentence. I actually do not own a mirror in my room. I haven’t for a really long time. You could go into some intense deep psychological conversation as to why I don’t own one but I’ll just tell you why I don’t own one. We have many around the house, so it’s not like I actually don’t look at myself in one. But let me tell you what I used to see when I looked into my mirror.
For the longest time, I was just ashamed. I didn’t like the person who I had become. This bitter, angry, frustrated girl who let stupid little things like arguments and bad friendships destroy her. After that, it was guilt. When I looked into the mirror, I was not only ashamed but I felt guilty. How had I become this person that pushed people away, how had I turned into someone so mean, who let the worst come out, why was I so unhappy and all these other things. I was filled with insecurities, with doubt. I wasn’t the person I used to be. I remember that girl. She was always dressed up, she wore make-up, she wore the clothes she wanted to. She may have not been super confident but she was somewhat happy. Then she started to rely on the opinions of others, losing her own voice, people telling her how to be, how to act, how to dress, blah blah blah. She started doubting herself, her career goals, she got distracted. She became dependent of others. She relied on the empty compliments of others, she relied on the false affection of a dysfunctional relationship. She relied on every one else but herself. I doubted myself.
So I got rid of my mirror.
I wasn’t the fairest one of all. I wasn’t the girls in the magazines with their built tanned bodies and beautifully made-up faces. I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I was insecure and afraid. I didn’t think I deserved anything better than what I had. So I stayed unhappy, insecure, trying to fill the void with empty compliments. I hid, I made myself invisible. And I liked it for a really long time.
I still don’t have a mirror in my room.
There is a difference from then and now. After pushing everyone away and dealing with all the sadness and insecurities. I realized getting rid of my mirror was the best thing I could have done. I found my self-worth and I have learned to respect myself. Yes, sometimes I am filled with a little bit of insecurities. But I love my flaws..all of them. They give me character. I learned a mirror only reflects what you want to see. So if you don’t like yourself, that is all you will see. I don’t own one in my room because I do love myself. I am smart and funny. I don’t need a mirror showing it to me. I know that I am, I know I am different.
When I do look into a mirror, I don’t see that naive, child. I see someone who has gone through emotional turmoil and has survived it. Yes, I get anxiety. I still get a little paranoid about little things. BUT. I know what type of person I am and want to be. I don’t need a mirror showing me my self-worth. I just need it to see if my outfit is on point, or if my clothes match. I don’t need it to see what’s inside of me. I already know.